Advanced Baby Making

2009-03-11T07:18:00.000-07:00

Started a blog about the pregnancy/baby! http://bartafamily.livejournal.com

cicada ew

2008-09-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

For a friend...

There were about five of these on the wooden swingset out back a few weeks ago. They were all, um, molting? hatching? Anyway - it was disgusting, but they were oddly beautiful at the same time. :::shudders:::

moving

2008-03-20T07:52:00.001-07:00

I'm moving to LiveJournal. I've had a personal LJ account for like 7 years and have decided to join myself there. lol.

I've had some issues with blogger and I'm done messing with it, plus, well, I love LJ so follow me to:

http://somehowsomeway.livejournal.com
You don't need an account to read or even to comment.

how well do you know me?

2008-03-19T06:37:00.001-07:00

Create your own Friend Quiz here

two years

2008-03-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

Two years ago this month I went off birth control.

We have a dog now.

Shaklee

2008-03-13T13:24:00.000-07:00

Shaklee rocks. I've always loved their products and decided that since I was already always telling the world about it, I might as well join the business, so check it: www.shaklee.net/carriebarta

;)

movie quotes meme results

2008-03-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

I posted the results from the movie quote meme that I did a couple of weeks ago in the comments section of the post. So scroll on down and read away.

oh wait, this is supposed to be funny!

2008-03-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

Jezebel James

Not so sure how I'm feeling about this. Why must the media/entertainment industry continue to make those who can't have children out to be obsessed and neurotic?

While they're at it, why don't they just go ahead and do a sitcom about someone who needs a heart transplant or is dying from cancer, because there's tons of comedy in those situations, too.

breeana

2008-03-08T20:16:00.001-08:00

So I've been chatting online with my nieces more often lately. I was talking with Breeana, who just turned 12, and we had this conversation tonight:

(I was telling her about how our neighbor is possibly coming over tomorrow to talk about buying our house so we can move back to Ohio.)

Breeana: i hope they do cause u need to get back down here cause i miss u really bad cause u'r the best ever and i <3 u alot
Carrie: lol - yes, we hope so too. we can't wait to be nearby so we can hang out with you guys, go to bday parties, etc.
Breeana: kkkkkkkkoooooooooooolllllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiooooooooo
Breeana: what u doin now?
Carrie: reading some blogs
Breeana: what blogs u readin
Breeana: ?????????????
Carrie: blogs by other people who can't get pregnant. lots of advice in them.
Breeana: oh like what
Carrie: about the different treatments there are, what happens in them, how you feel on the drugs, the risks from them, that kind of stuff. kind of scary actually.
Breeana: yea id say
Carrie: yeah. i'm kind of scared about the treatments we are going to try this summer. i apologize in advance if I become a crazy lady or cry for no reason... it's all a side effect of the medicines I'll be on.
Breeana: its ok don't be that scared u'r brave enough to get thourgh all of the medisines that u have to take but i know u and u'r brave enough to do all of that stuff so if u get scared then idk u then cause i knw u'r brave and don't ever change all of that in u ok cause then ill be scaered to
Breeana: thats was a lot
Carrie: aw... thanks, bree. it is scary but this is part of the reason i want to move back to ohio, too. i'll have you guys around us to support us through it all. this past summer was really hard because we were alone through all of it.

Bree's the oldest of my nieces and nephews and she was always my buddy. I've basically missed the last four years of her life because I moved out of state, but apparently, she is growing into a sensitive and caring teenager. This makes me happy.

adorable kitten picture

2008-02-28T17:36:00.001-08:00

This is the litter that we are currently fostering. That's Neeko, Gato and Mao, which are all words for "cat" in Japanese, Spanish and Chinese. Cute, eh????

stupid country song making me cry

2008-02-28T17:25:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I have yet to hear this verse of Jason Aldean's song, "Laughed Until We Cried," without bawling my eyes out. I share it here because, well, misery loves company.

Just the other night the baby was cryin'
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right

My mind went back to a few years ago
We tried so long, we almost gave up hope
And I remember you comin' in and tellin me the news

Oh man we were livin, goin crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried.

i have no catchy title.

2008-02-28T16:33:00.001-08:00

Info on male factor that I didn't realize:

"Sperm may lack the ability to fertilize an egg for one of a number of reasons:

Count: Contrary to what you were told at school, it actually takes a minimum of between half and one million healthy, rapidly-motile sperm to fertilise a single egg. This equates roughly to a post-wash count of five to seven million sperm per ml. This is because sperm work together to navigate their way through the inhospitable environment of the female reproductive tract. It's physcially impossible for a single sperm to make a successful journey all by itself. So much for "it only takes one"."

Ain't that lovely??? :/

I had my second acupuncture appointment today. I've been sick the past couple of days (either the flu or food poisoning...) so I was afraid I wouldn't get to go but I made it. I had a hard time actually relaxing throughout it but it was still good and I came home with some herbs to start taking.

Oddly enough, my acupuncturist shares an office with a branch of the Jones Institute for Reproductive Medicine (who had the first IVF program in the US and who did our sperm washes for our IUIs). Today while I was waiting, I noticed a flier letting people know that if you are considering IVF, the Jones Institute is holding clinical trials to try a new drug. You get all study medications, study-related visits/exams and partial reimbursement for the IVF procedure. Hmm...

mittelschmertz :::gesundheit:::

2008-02-28T04:06:00.000-08:00

Mittelschmertz is German and means "middle pain." It is a term to denote midcycle pain associated with ovulation, a very common phenomenon. Mittelschmertz is usually on one side (the side that's ovulating that cycle) and is sharp and short-lived, lasting only a few hours.

It just makes me laugh.

Gesundheit is German, too.

And in honor of the X-Files craziness going on right now: Die Wahrheit ist irgendwo da draußen!

things I have recently learned

2008-02-24T06:58:00.001-08:00

Things I have recently learned:

1. Metformin may have helped me tremendously with my hypoglycemia and has helped me to get periods, but...

2. A period can occur even if ovulation has not.

3. "Many women with PCOS think they're ovulating because each time they use an OPK, it turns positive. That's because the urine test detects LH, which in some women with PCOS remains elevated."

4. Temping sucks but it has given me further evidence that I am so not ovulating.

5. Secretly hoping for the past four months that we would randomly get pregnant due to thinking that Metformin was helping me to ovulate and Neal's sperm would get better due to his not smoking was all a waste. (Well, not necessarily a waste... it's been lovely not actually going through treatments and taking crazy-making drugs.)

Things according to my 9-year-old niece, Katlyn:

1. Life is boring without me in Ohio with her.

2. My newest nephew who was born on 2/19 weighed 17 feet at birth.

3. We should definitely adopt a little girl about Katlyn's age.

4. We should not adopt siblings because they'd fight all of the time and give me a headache.

movie quote meme

2008-02-18T17:45:00.001-08:00

1. Pick 15 of your favourite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.

1. But you fog things up! You always have. You spin me about. I wish like hell you were elsewhere. (I was.)

2. What we do in life echoes in eternity

3. No matter what happens, I'm really glad I got in that car with you.

4. They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say 'Shit, it's raining!'

5. You are everything I never knew I always wanted.

6. Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with Samurai swords

7. This woman is yours now. I've paid my whore. I owe you nothing. And you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.

8. I will miss you. And your very slow typing... and your very bad driving.

9. I need this building evacuated and cleared out in ten minutes. I need you to get on the phone and tell the fire department to block off the city center in a one mile radius around the building. DON'T THINK! JUST PICK UP THE PHONE AND MAKE IT HAPPEN!

10. Grace has Bob's dead wife's heart!

11. Hey Steve, did ya bring me any pizza Steve?

12. Don't, for one minute, think that you had any effect whatsoever on my panties.

13. So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

14. Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself. Like this journey never ends. Like you were sent to me because I'm sick. To help me through all this. You're my angel. (Also a quote - almost word for word - from Richard to me. Yeah, this movie made me cry. A lot.)

15. Sink me, the lady is a poet. (I doubt many will know this one... my mom might.)

I'm a baked potato.

2008-02-18T15:57:00.001-08:00

I'm a baked potato.

I just got home from my first acupuncture appointment. Seriously, I felt like a baked potato. You know... you prick a potato all over with a fork and then cover it in tin foil? That was me.

After Dr. A+ (she's A+ because she seems to know what she's talking about and did a great job) finished putting the needles all over me, she placed a foil-like blanket over my body to keep me warm and left me to lay and relax while listening to some ocean sounds set to slow music. I fell asleep... but not before I had a major case of the giggles at the baked potato thoughts I was having. That was followed with a few tears... not due to pain or anything just, I don't know. I guess a release. I started trying to meditate and did some qi gong breathing techniques I learned, and then I fell asleep.

The actual acupuncture itself wasn't bad at all. I didn't even feel the first few needles and really I only felt a couple that caused a momentary "Ooo... felt that." The ones that I felt were in my left ear, my inner left ankle and my left wrist. I know if it hurts a little it means it's hitting something that is unbalanced. Hmm... now that I think about it, all of the pain was on my left side and as I was laying there, my left side started getting tingly and numb and kind of sore. It's hard to explain the feeling. I'll have to research that.

The weirdest one by far has to be the forehead one. It's strange because you can see it and it moves around if you move any muscles. Very weird.

Anyway, backing up, the first hour of the consultation was spent talking to Dr. A+ about everything. She was very thorough and said that my kidney qi is stagnant, which is what I was thinking from the reading I've been doing. Although her Western medicine training wasn't specifically in infertility, she has a lot of experience with it and seemed to know what she was talking about... especially with PCOS and Male Factor. She said that everything to do with periods comes from the kidney qi and that she should be able to take care of all of my crappy (ha, ha) issues I have like clotting, horrible cramps, diarrhea (get the crappy joke now?), spotting, etc. Resolving the stagnation should get me ovulating and hopefully pregnant... of course that also depends on Neal's side of things, which she also said she can help with.

She gave me a thumbs up when I told her I was already switching to organic and free-range food and she suggested Trader Joe's for shopping, which I hadn't even thought about.

My next appointment is Thursday of next week and she said we'd discuss herbs then. Neal's consultation is on Friday. He's excited about it - he's always wanted to try it - and I think it'll do him a lot of good to be forced to lay and relax for a specific reason. My one fear is that he's hesitant to try the organic stuff I've been buying... no clue why... and he hasn't cut back his alcohol/caffeine intake yet, which he knows he has to do. I'm hoping having Dr. A+ explain to him exactly how it can effect him will help him to cut back.

Neal mentioned earlier today that he'd like to get another sperm analysis done just to see if there have been any changes since he stopped smoking. (His last analysis was in October and we only ended up with 1 million good swimmers.) Turns out there's a branch of the Jones Institute that shares the same office with the acupuncture place. I'm going to call them tomorrow and find out if they have an andrology lab there or if all of that is done down in Norfolk at their main office.

ttc pacman game

2008-02-17T16:44:00.001-08:00

This is hilarious.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ttcgame/ttcgame.html

bdays, TCM and weight loss, oh my!

2008-02-16T04:59:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone for all of the birthday wishes! Minus being stuck in traffic for two hours, it was a decent day. I've had much, much worse birthdays - I used to think my birthday was cursed because for like 5 years in a row something bad always happened on that day, as in being in a car accident, my fiance being hospitalized, coming down with food poisoning, etc. So not cool. Anyway, all in all it was a good day. Neal got me this:

I love it!

No one ended up RSVPing "yes" for my TTC meeting so I didn't go. :::shrugs:::

I basically have my cycles charted (minus temping) since November 2006. There's a definite pattern with my weight coinciding with frustration/depression/fertility treatments.

I gained weight as I started getting more frustrated knowing something was wrong but not having seen anyone yet. I gained weight when I found out Neal had MFI, I had PCOS and we were going to be doing fertility treatments. I lost 7 pounds prior to our first IUI in June (probably due to finally feeling like we were doing something and Hope making an appearance). By November - 5 cycles of Clomid and 4 failed IUIs and some major depression later, I gained 8 pounds... and 7 pounds of that was all gained in one month.

I'm definitely felling better, especially since Neal has finally quit smoking (woo hoo!!!!!!), our plans to move are so on, we've paid off all of our debt except for our mortgage and we've decided to try Traditional Chinese Medicine. Again I have something to look forward to with hope that maybe (just maybe?) TCM will work for us and we won't end up having to do IVF this summer. (Wait... I don't think I mentioned that on here. Okay. We're giving TCM a shot. I have my consultation on Monday and Neal's is on Friday.)

My point? Since November, I've lost 11 pounds. Eleven pounds! That's a lot!

And it's not due to working out either. I've probably only been to the gym like 5 times since December due to some reason or another. In January, I fell and sprained my ankle. It's just now feeling 98% better. And then in three weeks later, I had two huge moles removed from my back that involved stitches and the whole "no heavy lifting, working out, stretching for two weeks until the stitches are removed." And before I got them removed, I went back to work full-time and have been exhausted trying to adjust to that schedule, keeping the house clean, Neal's parents visiting, taking care of the foster kittens and making sure Max is still getting walked and enough attention. Needless to say, my gym membership is getting dusty. I want to try to go to Body Pump this morning, but I don't know if I'll have time or not.

So my fat clothes don't fit me anymore and that's friggin' cool. I've had to go through my storage closet and dig out some of my skinny clothes - fun. It's like a little shopping spree.

I really think the majority of the weight loss is due to the switch to organic foods and trying to follow the TCM diet suggested for my particular issues. From what I can tell I have Kidney Yang and Kidney Yin deficiency as well as a Cold Uterus. It all makes sense now! And Neal most definitely has Excess Heat. This I already knew - the guy is always hot - so using some tips from the book, "The Infertility Cure," is awesome.

The downside to the books suggestions? Apparently those with PCOS should try to not eat dairy, bananas and chocolate. Seriously? That's so not cool because like my breakfast every morning. (I have a Shaklee chocolate meal shake and a banana.) It also says those with PCOS should NOT eat yams. I literally laughed out loud when I read this. People stared.

"rawr" to death i say

2008-01-27T14:23:00.000-08:00

This was part of a conversation Neal and I had on Yahoo!Messenger in March 2004 before we offically started dating. We were doing the long distance thing from different states for awhile.

Neal: what do you look for in a guy?
Carrie: hang on and i'll send you a link to my personal ads that i've had up for years...
Neal: has it worked?
Carrie: eh
Neal: stupid question, obvious answer.
Neal: oh, ren and stempy is on
sends link
Neal: not sure if you want kids?
Carrie: i don't know. it's complicated
Neal: oh
Neal: too complicated to talk about?
Carrie: not really... just too complicated to explain on that thing
Carrie: sigh... where do i start...
Carrie: give me time to word this
Neal: i think i am definatly more than 25 mi from newark.
Carrie: lol true
Carrie: all of my life i wanted to be a mom. it's the one thing that i just felt like i was supposed to do. when i met richard, internally i started counting down the days to when i'd be pregnant and have our children. when he died... he wasn't the only one who died. our children died with him and part of me died too.
Carrie: hen we found out that he had cancer, we had some of his sperm frozen cryogenically for future use when we were ready. When he died, we went to court and saved it from being destroyed. I spent five years agonizing over what to do with it. I gave myself deadlines to make a decision by, but every year that deadline would come and go and I was never anywhere closer to a decision than I'd been before. One day, i'd be gung ho and just ready to do it, the next i'd be a ball of tears. Sometimes i'd be hell bent on just having it destroyed and the next second I'd be sick to my stomach at the thought.
Carrie: it was a hell that lived in the back of my mind everyday. i couldn't look at a child without aching for my own but for many different reasons, i was too scared to go through with it. i couldn't even fully enjoy my nieces and nephews because the "what if's" hurt too much.
Carrie: two years ago i finally had enough and had it destroyed. it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do but i knew that i had to come to terms with the fact that i may never have kids. knowing that i could go and have it done was playing major psychological mind games with me. i know that i did the right thing, but the thought of it still hurts sometimes. Part of the reason that i was actually able to have it destroyed though was - and yes, i can admit this - i made myself build walls around my heart and not only face the fact that i there was a possibility that i'd never have a child of my own, but accept it and come to terms with it.
Carrie: But the want is still there. just today i was playing with my five-month-old nephew and i could feel that familiar ache. (I like to say that the fingers on my biological clock are flipping me off.) It's in to me have kids, i have no doubt that i'd be a wonderful mother and if i never have my own, i know that some day i'll adopt.
Carrie: The scary thing for me now is, i think i'm afraid to get my hopes up. i'm afraid that by admitting that i do want children, something will happen and i'll be thrown back into that hell that i was in before. some way, they'll be ripped away from me and i don't think i'm strong enough to go through that again. (which i'm sure is the same reason i haven't been in any serious relationship since Richard.)
Neal: wow, lot going on upstairs
Carrie: always
Neal: you sound like your expecting the worst, that you've decided that fate has it out for you
Carrie: nah... my heart is just cautious
Neal: i hope someday i have someone that means that much to me. at the rate i'm going, i'm afraid i'll never find anyone
Carrie: trust me, i understand
Neal: i guess so
Neal: i think you would be a great mom
Carrie: thanks
Neal: like i told you before, that was one of the things that really impressed me about you
Carrie: kc
Carrie: it's in me... i know it is. kids know it is... everyone who sees me with kids knows it is.
Carrie: you're not the first person to say that. i've been affectionately dubbed as the 'kid magnet'

fundraising

2008-01-22T21:54:00.000-08:00

Since we're going to be self-pay for IVF, I've been considering how to come up with the money. Now, we just got all of our debt paid off - besides our mortgage - so it's not like we can't get a loan. We know this. But, it would sure be nice to not have to go back into debt... especially considering that there's no guarantee that IVF will even work and whether it does or not, adoption is in our future - that is unless it works and we end up with sextuplets or something.

Anyway, so I was researching fundraising ideas and found some really good ones, specifically a magazine one that is absolutely free to you and is done online so all you really have to do is let your network of people know that if the subscribe through you, you'll get a percentage of the profits. Score.

Here are the ones I've found so far:

The magazine one (There's also a bunch of other ones on that site.)

www.fundable.com/

www.fund-raising-ideas-center.com/

And, funny enough, ideas from my old employer.

What's strange is I decided today that this Spring, since I wanted to have a yard sale before we moved anyway, that I would try to get items donated to us from local friends (and their networks of acquaitances) to sell and put all of the profits towards IVF. Would't you know it, a friend e-mails me today thanking Neal and I for everything we've done for supporting his music and saying that he hopes that someday he can repay the favor. Score. He knows tons of people and is totally not afraid to get out there and raise money. He'd even applied for a fundraising position at PAF. Awesome.

self-pay

2008-01-22T13:59:00.000-08:00

So, I had read somewhere that Ohio mandates that insurance companies offer coverage for infertility treatments so I was stoked that most likely once we got moved to Ohio we'd have coverage and wouldn't have to pay the full fee for IVF.

Of course that's not what's going to happen because that's how my life goes.

Ohio mandates HMOs (but not other types of insurers) to cover infertility treatment as a "preventative" benefit. The treatment must be "medically necessary," and the Ohio Department of Insurance has ruled that GIFT, ZIFT and IVF are not medically necessary.

This makes me sad and angry because just a few days ago I had decided to stop feeling guilty over the fact that I wasn't working full-time (and therefore not making as much money as I could), and that I had resolved to take these next few months to really work on myself - body, mind and soul - to prepare for IVF this summer. Now I'm feeling guilty again and thinking that I should get a full-time job to start saving up for the treatments since we'll be self-pay.

But I don't want to. I don't want to deal with new people asking me about kids and giving me their naive assvice, I don't want the stress of working full-time and not getting to see my husband (he works midnight shift) and knowing my dog is locked up in a cage all day, all while trying to stay sane, recover from this summer and get back in shape. I've lost the weight I gained from treatments but I need to get back into a gym routine.

Speaking of the gym, I'm so frustrated with that, too. I've been *wanting* to work out but have been twice this year due to a stupid fall and subsequent sprained ankle. And of course, now that it's just starting to feel better and I can walk normally again (but still not run on it - owie), I had moles removed today that involved stitches and was told that I shouldn't do any heavy lifting and such until they come out - in two weeks. What the hell?

maybe you weren't meant to have insulin

2008-01-19T19:03:00.001-08:00

So a friend of mine, Stephanie, and I have been trying to make plans for us and our husbands to go our for sushi together. We were at the gym the other day trying to pinpoint a date when one of the instructors, Karen, who is a friend of my Stephanie's, came up and started talking to us. Stephanie mentioned that Karen liked sushi too and invited her and her husband to come along with us. Cool with me.

Of course a few days later they were both discussing how they were still trying to find babysitters and Karen asked me, "Did you find a babysitter?"

Here is yet another daily reminder.

First of all, the subject itself had already made my warning signals go off and my walls start to go up for fear of this exact turn of the conversation. Then the decision: Do I tell her that we can't have kids and risk the chance of getting into it with someone who obviously already has kids and is known to be somewhat opinionated and will probably want to offer me some lovely assvice, or do I leave it at "we don't have kids" and risk the chance of the customary follow-up "why not" question and/or slap in the face of "you can have mine!"

I went with the "we don't have kids" and received one I personally hadn't heard yet: "Lucky you!"

While it still made me want to punch her, this response was sort of a blessing because I just smiled a tight-lipped smile and Stephanie - love her - quickly changed the subject before Karen could follow up with the "you can have mine" response that I hate.

Anyway, so tonight was sushi night and I was rather anxious about the whole thing knowing at some point the convo would have to turn to their kids and most likely would end up with us discussing our defective baby-making abilities. To prepare myself, I started doing some research online to try to find a polite yet to-the-point response to assvice.

I found this on someone's blog about how to be a friend to an infertile, which had me cracking up:

Platitudes. Never ever offer platitudes. This is a totally selfish act any way because all platitudes do is make you feel better and the Infertile feel worse. Saying “maybe you are not meant to have children” is an incredibly stupid thing to say. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “maybe you weren’t meant to have insulin." Infertility is a medical condition. Not some factor in the universe’s bigger plan for the Infertile. Similar to “it's God's will”. How the fuck do you know? You have a direct connection or what? How about “are you sure you want kids?” lovingly looking at your own screaming kids. No dear, I am spending thousands and enduring physical, emotional and mental anguish just because I am obscenely stupid. Or “you can have mine”. Now that’s an incredibly stupid thing to say. What kind of mother are you to give her kids away? Oh you were only joking? What was the funny part? That I don’t have my own kids? Sorry, but I am not getting the joke? Call me stupid. In addition, please don’t tell me about your friend/cousin/co-worker who got pg naturally after 8 years of trying. It doesn’t make me feel better, it depresses me. Good for her. It’s got nothing to do with my situation.

The insulin thing still has me laughing.

Anyway, luckily, the night went fine and although the subject did hop to kids briefly - with pictures passed around and everthing - neither Karen or her husband asked anything about our own so I didn't have to use any witty comebacks. Maybe Stephanie gave her a heads up to avoid that topic, I don't know, but it's so fine with me if she did.

Amen to that!

2008-01-19T10:43:00.001-08:00

I changed my layout and name of my blog. No particular reason... just felt like it.

Anyway, I wanted to post about the Tyra Banks crap that's going on but didn't want my anger to get away from me so I let it be. However, a fellow IF blogger captured exactly what I would have said so I stole it from her:

"An Open Letter To Tyra Banks

This is what was posted on the Tyra Banks Show website:

DO YOU KNOW A WOMAN OBSESSED WITH BECOMING PREGNANT?
Do you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom? Have you seen and heard her struggle for years, felt her unvoiced jealously and seen her desperation first hand? Have you watched silently for too long as she gets her hopes up only to be disappointed and heartbroken when she can’t conceive? Has she tried extreme methods and spent a lot of money to get pregnant with no luck? Do you want to finally tell her she needs to stop the emotional and physical stress on her body and seriously consider adoption or a surrogate alternative? If you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom and getting pregnant, then SUBMIT BELOW.

This is an email they received from me:

Dear Tyra Banks,

Have my friends and family seen and heard me struggle for years, felt my unvoiced jealousy and seen my desperation first hand? Yes. Have they watched for too long as I get my hopes up only to be disappointed and heartbroken when I can't conceive? Yes. Have I tried extreme methods and spent a lot of money to get pregnant with no luck? Yes and yes.

How dare you presume that this makes me "obsessed". I am seeking fertility treatment so that I can experience pregnancy. Something that I have been told my whole life is a right I am entitled to. I am appalled at your suggestion that presumes I am hell bent on a destructive path. I am under medical supervision with an experienced doctor that I consult with regularly. My husband and I are taking carefully planned steps to pursue our dream of becoming a parent. I am watching my health carefully, monitoring the effect of my "extreme" methods and making educated and rational decisions that are in the best interest of my situation. I am not obsessed with having a biological child, I really don't care whose blood is in my child's veins. But science has opened up a possibility that I can experience pregnancy and I am pursuing that right aggressively. With the same vigour that I would pursue chemotherapy if I had cancer.

Throwing around surrogacy and adoption in the same breath demonstrates your stunning lack of research and depth on the subjects. Let me highlight some areas of concern:

1) Stress and infertility have NO PROVEN LINK. I could be having a massage and a facial while having sex and I still couldn't get pregnant. I've made love in Mexico AND Italy, to no avail.
2) Surrogacy solves a very small percentage of infertility related issues. It's extremely expensive and there are zero guarantees that it will work.
3) Adoption is a wonderful thing. And it may be in my future. But after watching my sister adopt my niece and seeing the heartache first hand, please let me highlight for you that adoption is an expensive, lengthy, emotional uphill battle. Where there are ALSO no guarantees.

So, is this painful? You bet your ass it is. Do you know what it's like to know that my husband who I adore more than anything would most likely have a child by now if he married another girl? Do you know what it's like to have people who are in your support system struggle to understand what to say to you? And then often say the wrong thing? Do you know what it's like to be cheerful at a baby shower when you are dying inside?

I would suggest you STRONGLY rethink your show topic. And do some research before you post such offensive and ridiculous assumptions."

Amen.

On a slightly related note, I now love Joel McHale and The Soup and their constant desire to make fun of Tyra Banks even more. (But I also am still a fan of "America's Next Top Model," just not the Tyra part.)

Good article

2008-01-13T16:23:00.000-08:00

She's dead on about hope sometimes being a good thing and sometimes being a slow torture.

Article here.

Not sure what all IVF entails?

2008-01-12T20:00:00.000-08:00

Click and read. Keep clicking "next" at the bottom of the page until you get to the end... it's kind of long but has tons of detailed information on the entire process.

Goooooood times. :/

options

2008-01-12T16:43:00.001-08:00

Neal and I keep discussing what to do when we get to Ohio. Live with my parents until we get good jobs? Buy a house right away? Stay with my parents for the summer whilebuilding a house? Neal said something today about buying some land and just getting a trailer or a camper to live on it while we build. Tempting considering it would save money over buying a house, be easy to clean and it's just the two of us. I'm not sure though. I'm concerned about building a house right after moving there. What if he ends up hating his job but then can't leave because of a big mortgage? Plus, I'm not sure how I feel about trying to build a house while going through fertility treatments. Both are extremely stressful. Maybe we should just buy a decent house that we can live in and fix it up while doing fertility treatments, then once we're settled in jobs we like, build/buy our "dream house" and rent or sell the first house. Choices, choices. Of course, everything depends on where he gets a job and the housing market. I'd love to hear some feedback on what people think about all of this. What would *you* do?

In other news, I'm considering working for a good family friend doing catering once we get moved. (I used to be the manager of a catering hall and she was kind of my assistant - when I met Neal and moved, she got my job.) It's a guaranteed job and I know she'd be a good boss. I don't necessarily miss catering, but I'm hoping it'll be a bit different working for her than it was working for my old boss. She started her own catering company about 6 months ago and right now she has exclusive catering rights to the three different halls, one of which isn't even open yet. She also does things for the county's eduational service and has been offered rights to a local bed and breakfast. And she's doing it all by herself right now which means she's having to turn down a bunch of jobs because she has no help. The other day I sent out a mass e-mail to friends and family who live in the area letting them know if they want to make some extra money they can help her with things, serving and stuff like that. Hopefully she can get some help now but even if I do start working for her, we're still going to need more help.

Anyway, my only fear about doing it is knowing that she'll be depending on me... what if fertility appointments come up on days we have an event going on and there's no one to cover me? Some monitoring takes place every other day, not to mention last minute appointments that are bound to happen and bed rest that goes along with it. I'm thinking that with the 3-5 different things she's got rights to, perhaps she would need someone to do all of the bookings, showings, plannings and bookkeeping. There would be a little more leeway doing that if I needed to run off to doctors appointments. And I could still help flipping/cleaning, buying supplies and serving.

So much to think about.

On the road again...

2008-01-09T18:00:00.000-08:00

Before we started trying to get pregnant, I always wondered if we'd have multiples or not. I have like 8 or 10 sets of twins all over my family and none due to infertility treatments.

I have a cousin, Jessica, who is my only girl cousin on my dad's side of the family and is about a year older than me. Although we've always been relatively close, we are complete opposites. She's got brown (almost black) hair and brown (almost black) eyes. I have blond hair and blue eyes. She's got an olivey skin tone and tans lovely. I'm pale as hell and burn very easily. I've always been skinny while she's been on the heavier side, although not fat or anything. She's always been really talkative and outgoing, whereas I was incredibly shy growing up and am still pretty quiet until I get to know you. She was a cheerleader in high school and I hung out with what would be considered the more geeky crowd.

Anyway, whenever I'd think about the chances of us getting pregnat with multiples, Jess would always come to mind. She's been pregnant with two sets of twins without the help of medical science. :::jealous::: If our strange opposite thing continued, I figured I would not have multiples but whenever that thought crossed my mind, another thought would fleet by... "unless you do IVF." I always wondered why I would think that.

Even though my family is pretty fertile, I've always had a feeling I'd have an issue getting pregnant and this thought was coming to my mind years before I even met Neal.

So this evening, I told Neal that since we won't be able to start the adoption process until at least this September (or maybe even next January) and if we had insurance, I was thinking that maybe we should try IVF. Whether or not it works, we will at least be able to say that we tried it and not end up wondering "what if" down the road. Neal sort of surprised me by saying, "I think we should try it with or without insurance. And we have to make sure we get a real RE this time."

Well, okay.

So, there you go. We're going to try IVF. If it doesn't work, we'll start the adoption process in September. If it does work, we'll start the adoption process in a couple of years.

The funny thing is, awhile ago I was researching doctors in Ohio in case we decided to give it a shot down the road. I kept thinking, "How will I ever narrow down all of the choices of doctors out there? How do you really know you found a good one?" While reading about a place called Ohio Reproductive Medicine, I started getting a good feeling about them, especially with how much detailed information they have on their website about how they specifically work. (You could not get any information out of the military on anything.) Then, still reading, I saw this: "A semen sample is microscopically examined in the labratory. We use Reproductive Diagnostics and Cryobiology, which is located next door to our office."

Reproductive Diagnostics and Cryobiology. I know that name.

Reproductive Diagnostics. In Columbus, Ohio. Where do I know that name?

:::thinking:::

Holy shit. That's where Richard's sperm was frozen after he was diagnosed with cancer. (Richard was my fiance who died 10 years ago from non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.) Coincidence? Sure, why not. But I don't really believe in coincidences, so... ("If coincidences are just coincidences then why do they feel so contrived?")

So, IVF. (Hopefully they'll let us skip right to ICSI because of Neal's sperm counts.)

I'm scared, for sure. Although I'm still dealing with what we've been through, I'm 100 times better than I was a few months ago but also nauseous at the thought of going through it all again - and more will be involved this time with the injections and every other day doctors appointments and medicines and poking and prodding. Thanks to Jenna's book I know what's up ahead and where this road can lead and it's terrifying.

But... I think that I've known for a long time that this road was going to be part of my life at some point.

Side note: This page is cool. It has a bunch of little animations and videos showing different ART techniques.

Wish I'd known about this earlier...

2008-01-07T16:18:00.000-08:00

http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/

Discounted pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor kits ordered online. They have some pregnancy tests for 92 cents EACH!

That actually kind of pisses me off. I've probably spent at least $200 on just pregnancy tests alone. And I'm sure there's more people out there who have spent much more.

It's funny... I was just thinking about that the other day and wondering if there was any place you could buy them at a bulk rate.

Edit: Dudes. They even have at-home sperm tests, male and female fertility tests, and much more!

support group

2008-01-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

The closest infertility support group that I can find is through RESOLVE and in Richmond, an hour away, which is crap, so...

I started my own. We'll see how it turns out!

Well, that figures.

2008-01-04T09:21:00.001-08:00

So I contacted the county in Ohio that we'll be living in when we move to find out if there is anything we can go ahead and do to start the adoption process as far as the home study goes to get the ball rolling.

Of course, there's not only absolutely nothing we can do, but we're basically screwed until next year because the very first thing you have to do is take their training classes that are only offered three times a year: January, April and September. We'll obviously miss this January's. We're hoping to move in April or May, so we'll miss April's, and Neal was wanting to spend the month of September at his grandparent's farm in Nebraskai, so we'll miss that one, too. So that leaves us looking at January 2009 to start the process that takes a minimum of 6-12 months.

What. The. Hell.

Seriously. Why do I even bother to get my hopes up about anything?

A Year in Review

2008-01-01T18:31:00.000-08:00

The humor I find in this is gross.

A Year in Review

2007:
January = Not Pregnant.
February = Not Pregnant.
March = Not Pregnant.
April = You have MFI. Not pregnant.
May = You have PCOS. Not pregnant.
June = Started Clomid. Not Pregnant.
July = IUI. Not Pregnant.
August = IUI. Not Pregnant.
September = IUI. Not Pregnant.
October = IUI. Not Pregnant.
November = Not Pregnant.
December = Not Pregnant.

Well, this made me cry.

2007-12-29T15:19:00.000-08:00

I found this linked from www.inconceivablejourney.com. It's a letter to family and friends by another woman struggling with infertility: Click here.

Roll call!

2007-12-25T20:31:00.000-08:00

For almost 7 years, I've had a private blog at another site where I have spilled my guts about everything going on in my life over that time. I recently decided to make it a Friends Only journal due to a fellow IF blogger's posts about moving to a new blog hosting site for anonymity as well as a recent post she did asking people to post comments to some friends' journal as support.

This got me to thinking about this blog and wondering how many readers I have. (And who they are!) After checking the little map in the sidebar that shows where my readers are and how often they read, I was somewhat shocked to see that I've had over 2,000 hits from all over the world! This is amazing - yet I rarely get comments and am only aware of a handful of people who read this blog.

I find this slightly unnerving. I don't mind people reading, but if you don't say something, it not only leaves me feeling alone in all of this, but makes me feel like I'm being stalked.

I admit that I don't comment on every post of every blog that I read, but if I make a blog part of my regular reading, I make sure that I comment and introduce myself, and then also comment down the road when something they write strikes a chord with me.

I don't want to make this blog private and I don't want to move to another hosting site where people can only read if I've given them permission. I like that I've met many people out there going through similar situations as me and although I hate that we're in the same boat, I've enjoyed following thier trials and triumphs and wisdom. All of them I have found through their own public blogs.

We are currently finished with fertility treatments, but this doesn't mean that we won't try them again in the future. (If anything, this will turn into an adoption blog at some point.) I know that the friends that I have made through this blog would like to continue to follow my journey, just as I hope to be able to follow theirs.

So, what I'm asking is that you at least make yourself known to me. I don't expect every person who reads this blog to comment on everything I post, but if you are a regular reader, please let me know. I'd like to meet you! If you've been lurking and would like to continue doing so, at least just say hello this once so I know you're out there.

That's all. :)

Emptiness

2007-12-22T20:22:00.001-08:00

Infertiles and those grieving loved ones who have passed away have so much in common.

It's not the first time this thought has occurred to me. Lord knows I've experienced enough death in my life to know what that grief feels like. When I start thinking about our childless life, that same grief comes over me.

I was going through all of the blogs that I have bookmarked and realized that the holidays have all caused a common theme: Emptiness. Emptiness for someone who died or for someone who has yet to be.

This blog: http://noendinsightexceptheaven.blogspot.com/ is by the mom of a little boy, Joshua, who has been battling cancer for years. (He was one of my patients at my previous job and they have a blog for him, too: http://caringbridge.org/or/joshua/). Anyway, her recent two posts got me thinking again about the similarities between the two griefs and how everyone reacts to them.

O, Christmas Tree...

2007-12-15T21:19:00.000-08:00

Our Christmas tree makes me sad.

It's not because it's a sad-looking Charlie Brown Christmas tree like our first one we had together. (We got it on Christmas Eve so there wasn't much to choose from.) It's actually quite pretty and bushy and all decorated with red and gold bulbs and gold beads and white lights.

It makes me sad because two years ago I was certain that 2005 would be our last Christmas without children in our home. In 2006 it made me sad because a year of trying to get pregnant had done nothing and we had an appointment to see a fertility specialist on December 27. Again, I thought that surely the treatments would work and that by Christmas 2007, things would be different.

Nothing is different.

The other day at the gym, there were these two women in line behind me at the smoothie place. One was hugely pregnant and of course they had to start talking all about it and how horrible it was and "shoot me if I ever say I want to get pregnant again." I almost turned around and told them that they either needed to change the subject or get the hell away from me before I punched them both. It's not their fault, of course. They both probably never wanted kids, got pregnant on accident and can't truly appreciate the miracle. But for some reason at that moment when my mind was a million miles away from thinking about our situation, their conversation made me feel like I hit a brick wall. And then it changed to buying all sorts of gifts for the baby for Christmas and I hit another brick wall.

I was tempted to not do Christmas this year. Neal doesn't have any time to take off of work so we can't go home. Back in October when all of the toy commercials and Christmas decorations started coming out in stores, I thought, "I can't do this." Every child I see - passing on the street, in line at McDonald's, in a toy ad, in a catalog - makes me cringe and breaks my heart at the same time. Picking out toys for my nieces and nephews - so not happening. Every year I say I want to buy gifts for some needy child on an angel tree, and every year the thought of actually doing it hurts too much. I'm just now allowing myself to walk by the baby section at Wal-Mart (and actually touched this cute little Christmas dress the other day - then pulled my hand back and walked away as fast as I could). I'm still avoiding the toy section like the plague.

We got our tree last weekend. We tried to get into the spirit of it: Neal made hot chocolate to take with us (even though it was in the 60s and sunny); we wore our Christmas hats - him a Santa hat and me reindeer antlers; we even brought our dog, Max, with us and he wore his elf collar. We looked adorable, of course, and got lots of hellos from people. But as I stood by the tree we chose, guarding it while Neal went to go grab something else, I watched the families milling about together, the kids trying to help (and getting ignored or yelled at instead). One little girl was fascinated by my antlers and kept staring and pointing me out to her mom who was too busy to notice. The same little girl picked out a nice tree and really seemed to like it but her mom wouldn't even look at it because it wasn't what she wanted. I would have let her have that one. I would have let her have any tree she wanted - and one of the little miniature ones for her bedroom, just for good measure.

We planned on decorating our tree the next day, but life happens and we never got around to it. We made a date to do it on Tuesday when Neal got home from his hair appointment. I got all dressed up, donned my reindeer antlers, made hot chocolate, put out cookies and a plate of veggies and cheese and crackers, and had Josh Groban's new cd, "Noel," playing. And I sat and waited. And waited. After five or six calls to Neal's cell phone I started panicking. He should have been home by 1 p.m. By 3 p.m., my mind was thinking crazy thoughts (car accident? mugging? hospital?) and hoping he was just doing some Christmas shopping. He got home around 3:30 p.m. apologizing that his cell phone was dead and that Laurel, our hair stylist was way behind and doing three peoples' hair at once. Relieved that he wasn't dead, we ate lunch and he went to bed because he's on midnight shift and had to get up at 9 p.m.

Since then I swear the tree has been mocking me. I feel like it took all of my energy to pull what little Christmas spirit out of me to try to make decorating it fun and cute and when I just ended up stressed and freaking out instead, it deflated my bubble.

We decorated it today. It took us about 15 minutes and was pretty uneventful. It doesn't smell that good and the needles are falling off already. And it just looks bare... like there's too many empty places and not enough ornaments to fill them up. I keep putting off buying more ornaments though because I always wanted to have a tradition of letting our kids pick out an ornament each year, writing their names and the year on the back and letting them pick the perfect spot to hang them. (Then when they move out, they can take them with them so they have ornaments for their own tree and the memories of the years spent getting them.) I feel like whenever I buy ornaments, I'm taking away one of theirs. ("theirs,", you know, my non-existant children that I feel and know but no one else can see.) So I don't do anything and our tree remains partly empty... like our family.

There's something missing and that's what I see everytime I look at our Christmas tree.

nothing new - but kitties!!!

2007-12-03T19:55:00.001-08:00

It's been almost a month since I've posted here. Not really sure why besides the fact that there's nothing to report.

I feel 110% better and am so friggin' happy to be off Clomid. I read somewhere once that someone said that Clomid should come with a prescription for an antidepressant and boy were they right. It should be a packaged deal.

The only thing baby-making related would be that my period came (is coming???). I've been spotting since Wednesday and it has yet to really do anything aside from that. I'm having all of the symptoms of my period, minus the actual heavy bleeding so I'm not really sure what that's about.

Not too much has been going on. Same jobs, same house. Can't go home for the holidays this year but our neighbor wants to buy our house and will hopefully not change her mind between now and April when she's able to do so. This would mean we could hopefully be moving back to Ohio by May. Sweet.

I guess the biggest thing going on is that I'm fostering some kittens. Five kittens and their mom to be exact. They are too adorable for words so I'll let the picture do the talking:

And gorgeous mommy:

They are about 7 weeks old and weigh about 1 lb. 10 oz. each. I'll have them until they're 3 pounds and can therefore be fixed and then they'll be adopted out. I'm sure Neal and I will both be incredibly sad when they go, but that's okay. We'll enjoy them while we can and be happy to know that we helped them when they needed it. They are an absolute hoot!

why...

2007-11-17T06:25:00.002-08:00

did i wake up this morning having cramps and then discover that i'm spotting?

Yep, still think it.

2007-11-11T04:55:00.001-08:00

Women who have a positive pregnancy test and then a sudden reversal in signs of pregnancy and the onset of a period will indicate a chemical pregnancy has taken place. In addition, your may notice:

-small clots in your blood

-increased amounts of blood

-more severe cramping

I really wish that I'd have thought of this sooner. I've had a few different faintly positive pregnancy tests in the past but then I've waited a few days and tested with a different brand and gotten a negative result. I assumed it was the initial brand that just sucked but that was silly of me to think because all tests detect the same hormone and if that hormone is not present then no line will appear. I knew there was no such thing as a "false positive" so why didn't I put two and two together? If I had, I could have gotten a blood test done through the military that same day and found out what my hcg levels were to verify that I was indeed pregnant.

a little experiment

2007-11-07T14:12:00.000-08:00

Even though my period has started, I decided this morning that I would take another First Response pregnancy test just to see what the results were.

It was blatantly negative, as compared to the other three which all had faint lines.

I'm convinced...

2007-11-06T06:56:00.000-08:00

I'm convinced that I've been pregnant in the past (1998, 2004, 2006 and a few times this year, including this month) but have had chemical pregnancies and miscarried very early on.

On Wednesday, thinking my period was due on Friday for some strange reason, I decided that I'd take a test. I was having absolutely no symptoms of my period coming and usually by then I can tell. It was a First Response one and it showed a very faint line. (On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the darkest, I'd say it was like a 2.) Hopeful, I took another one on Friday (and again on Monday) and they both still had a faint line, but weren't as dark - about a 1 on the scale. Yesterday afternoon, I started spotting but I still am not having any symptoms of my period coming.

I'm basing my chemical pregnancy theory on four things: 1) My gut instinct which has been nagging me for awhile now; 2) On months that I've gotten a faint line, I've ended up with horrific cramps and passing huge clots; 3) Those with PCOS have an increased chance of miscarriages; and 4) This blurb from an article:

"If you see a positive result on your test, even if it's very light, chances are good that you're pregnant. For a home pregnancy test to show a positive result, your body has to be making a detectable level of hCG. You may get a faintly positive result if you're not as far along as you thought. To be sure, take another test in two or three days.

If the second positive result is more pronounced, congratulations. If the second test is completely negative, you may have had a very early miscarriage. Experts estimate that 20 to 30 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, so unfortunately this is very common."

So there you have it. Treatments have failed and are finished and we're not ready to start the adoption process yet due to trying to move out of state, so I'm onto learning to cope with living a child-free life for now.

I leave you with this hilarious picture of quintuplets - one of which is vomiting. Apparently, most of it ended up on the little girl on the far left.

ohmygodohmygodohmygod

2007-10-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

This has absolutely nothing to do with fertility, but everything to do with pure happiness on my part: there are no words.

where'd it go?

2007-10-26T05:10:00.000-07:00

Sadly, along with infertility, I seemed to have lost my ability to eloquently put my feelings into words. I feel like every entry in my journals are kind of black and white. In this one there's always a hint of anger and sadness; and in my private one, it's rather boring. I've taken to posting pictures and doing short paragraphs of bullets rather than actual entries on that one. And on both, it takes a lot for me to respond to comments and to comment on others' blogs.

I mean, I used to write for a newspaper, for God's sake! Some of the columns I wrote were very clever and I loved them. I had all of these ideas and even got fan mail! I've had my other journal for six and a half years and although at the beginning it started out bitter and depressing as well (I started it after my fiance died so that I could vent), I always thought that I was able to explain my feelings very well.

I don't know what happened.

So, I apologize. To those of you who only know me through this blog, I fear that I come off as angry, bitter and depressing to be around. I swear I can be witty and funny and happy, I just haven't been able to do that here.

Although, I guess that's not a huge surprise due to the subject matter, but still.

And so it is done.

2007-10-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

The ultrasound this morning showed that I had not yet ovulated and that I had two very mature follicles and one smaller - but still big - one. Ronnie gave me a trigger shot, I went home and went back to bed (I'm sick) and then we headed to the Jones Institute for the sperm wash at 2 p.m., where I slept some more, and then back to the hospital for the IUI.

The sperm wash was very disappointing - only 1 million motile sperm. We were hoping that since it's been about three months since he stopped smoking, that his count would have been better but alas, it is what it is. :::shrugs:::

Aside from my husband needing to get one more refill on a prescription, we are done with the military! We finally even got his severence pay check in the mail today - after fighting with them over it for six months, :::insert creative bad word here describing out disdain for the military:::.

So the final two week wait has begun. Testing will be November 5th and my parents will be in town for it so here's hoping it works this time. Either way, I'm so happy to be finished with it - no more worrying about when to have (or not to have) sex, trotting all over town for appointments, mood swings and hot flashes and migranes from the Clomid, etc. Soooo happy. And if it doesn't work? Well, hopefully by next summer we'll be living in Ohio and we can start the adoption process.

I love Ronnie

2007-10-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

I love Ronnie.

She just rocks. She takes notes, she listens, she remembers, she gives sound advice, she's funny, she's even pretty.

I sound like I have a crush on her.

Anyway.

I had my ultrasound yesterday. Four maturing follicles, but the largest is only 18 mm and I'm not ovulating yet. She said since this is our last chance, she really wants to try to get the timing precise so she wants me to come back first thing Monday morning for another ultrasound. If I ovulated over the weekend, then we'll skip the IUI. If I'm currently ovulating or the eggs are big enough to trigger, then we'll do the IUI that afternoon.

She gave me lots of free medicine - pre-natal vitamins, motrin, tylenol, robatussin, and a new paper prescription for my metformin so that I can take it to a civilian pharmacy to get filled. Hopefully, since it's a diabetes/hyperglycemia drug, my new insurance will pay for it no problem. There may be an issue though if they find out it was originally prescribed to me as part of fertility treatments, but we'll find out. I want to stay on it not as part of fertility treatments but because I am hyperglycemic. It's made such a huge difference in my blood sugar levels and how I feel after not eating for two hours. Before I went on it, I was constantly having to eat every couple of hours or I'd get shaky and dizzy.

I got my HSG films on cd (I need to look at those just to check them out) and will pick up my medical records on Monday and that's it. We'll be done with the military! Done! (Well, as soon as we get Neal's severence pay in the mail, which we are finally expecting any day now.)

So, that's that.

Just one more two week wait.

memes stolen from myspace

2007-10-20T06:18:00.000-07:00

100 things you may not have know about me

1. What is the last alcoholic beverage you drank?
A long island iced tea a few days ago.

2. Do you follow college football?
Not really, but we do try to catch some Nebraska games.

3. How many miles does your car have on it?
81k

4. Who was the last person to send you a text message and what was it about?
Probably from Stephanie but I don't remember what it was about.

5. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
Not a clue... it's been awhile.

6. Are you happy?
Yes and no

7. Where was the last place you went shopping?
Office Max for work.

8. How do you feel about your hair?
It was bangin' yesterday!

9. Where do you work?
Grand Colonial Mortgage

10. Last thing you ate?
Cherry yogurt

11. Do you wish you were someplace else right now?
Sort of

12. Last time you smoked a cigarette?
Never have and never will.

13. Do you have any expensive jewelry?
My engagement ring

14. AIM or MSN?
Neither

15. What classes are you taking now?
A life class on patience apparently.

16. How many hours on average do you work a week:
lol. Um, between 8 and 15, but I should be working like 20-25.

17. Who do you like right now?
I like lots of people

18. Favorite NFL team?
don't care

19. Do you watch the Olympics?
Not usually

20. Last restaurant you went to?
Sushi Yoma!!!

21. Who was the last person to call you?
A lady from PETA about getting Max neutered.

22. Whats your sign?
Aquarius

23. Do you have a favorite number?
42 or 1013

24. Last time you did volunteer work or made any donation?
It's been awhile. I used to do both regularly but am a slacker now.

25. What do you spend the majority of your money on?
Bills

26. Where does most of your family live?
Ohio

27. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
I had a brother who passed away.

29. Ever been called a bitch?
yes

30. Got any guilty pleasures?
Chocolate and a few reality shows.

31. Do you drink beer?
Yes. My husband works for Anheuser-Busch so we always have beer around.

32. Have you ever experienced true love?
Twice.

33. Did you ever collect Beanie Babies?
Yes, when they first came out in the McDonald's Happy Meals but I only got them to give to the kids in the cancer clinic at the hospital.

34. Ever ordered anything online?
Lord yes. I must stop doing that.

35. Myspace or Facebook?
Facebook!

36. Do you have T-Mobile?
No

37. What was your favorite subject?
Spanish and, oddly, Government. Mr. Miller rocked.

38. Do you sometimes wish you were someone else?
No, not someone else, just wish I had the ability to get pregnant like everyone else in the world seems to do by breathing.

39. Do you usually fall for the "bad boys or slutty girls"?
No. I'm strangly drawn to nerds. :::shrugs:::

40. Were you an outcast in high school?
No, but I was really shy.

41. Last time you saw your parents?
Last week.

42. Do you have any talents?
I can type abnormally fast.

43. Ever been in a wedding?
Too many to count.

44. Do you have any children?
See #38

45. Last movie you watched?
Evan Almighty

46. Are you missing anyone at the moment?
Yes.

47. Did you take a nap today?
Yes

48. What was your high school mascot?
Lancer

49. Ever been on a cruise?
Yes

50. Favorite vacation spot?
Jamaica

52. Do you have any wealthy friends?
No

53. Ever met anyone famous before?
Yes! Russell Crowe and his band TOFOG, Gillian Anderson, Josh Groban, James Earl Jones

54. Favorite actor?
Russell Crowe and David Duchovny

55. Favorite actress?
Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman

56. Are you multi-tasking right now?
No.

57. Could you handle being in the military?
A definitive "Nope."

58. Are you hungry or thirsty?
thirsty. May have a rum and coke. Can't have any for two weeks here pretty soon...

59. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Wendy's or Fazolis

61. What is your average cell phone bill?
$90 - Neal and I share a plan.

62. Do you own a camera phone?
Yes

63. Ever had to take a sobriety test?
No... I don't drink and drive.

64. Do you believe in Karma?
Yes

65. Can you speak any other languages?
A little Spanish and a even less French and Italian... mostly what I've learned from Josh Groban songs. Onde sol oceano que dolce mente si plaquera.

66. Last time you went to the gym or worked out?
Yesterday

67. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
A lot.

68. Do you have a photo hosting site that you use?
Yes

69. Last place you drove your car:
To Williamsburg and back

70. What is your college mascot?
Buckeye

71. Ever been to Las Vegas?
No

73. Have you ever bought condoms?
yeah

75. What do you think is your best feature?
My eyes or my smile

76. Have you ever been gambling?
Yes, it was boring

77. How old are your parents?
Mom is 53, Dad is 55.

78. When is the last time you updated your blog?
Yesterday

79. Do you have your wisdom teeth?
No

80. Favorite place to be?
Home

81. Have you been to New York City?
Yes. I didn't really like it.

82. Favorite sit down restaurant?
Sushi Yoma

83. Ever been to Disney?
Twice.

84. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
Not really.

85. Last thing you cooked?
Porkchops

86. How is the weather today?
rainy and warm

87. Do you email?
yeah

88. Last letter/piece of mail you received besides junk or a bill?
A book I ordered

89. When's the last time you went to the dentist?
Lord, over two years ago. The last visit was bad, bad, bad and traumatic and now I'm even more afraid to go back than I was before - even with my valium. :(

90. Are you dating someone right now?
No, I'm married

91. Last voicemail you received?
Probably from Neal

92. Do you drunk dial?
I have, lol

93. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
Dropped it off a boat into Penobscot Bay

94. What is the best city in the state that you have lived in?
idk

95. Favorite band?
TOFOG or Josh Groban

96. Last time you were sick?
Two days ago

97. Are you bored right now?
No

98. Last concert you went to??
Um... hmm. Oh, the Lunatic Luau about a month ago. Buck Cherry, Papa Roach, Harptallica, Tesla...

100. What are your plans for tomorrow?
Go to the grocery store, clean my house and work

Who was your first? It's kinda fun to remember when...

1. Who was your first prom date?
Mike Parlet. He was hot and had a crush on me, but left the prom early after I flat out told him we were not having sex. :::rolls eyes:::

2. Who was your first roommate?
Richard basically lived with me at my parents house, but out of my parents house on my own, it was Todd. Ick.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink?
A wine cooler. lol.

4. What was your first job?
Bagger at Festival Foods.

5. What was your first car?
Red '88 Plymouth Sundance.

6. Who was the first person you text-ed today?
No one. If I text anyone it'll be Stephanie because that's how she likes to communicate :)

7. Who is the first person you thought of this morning?
Neal

8. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Bibler. She was awesome.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
Cancun

10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was with you?
Yes, with Ann when we were like 20 years old or something ridiculous!

11. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?
Natalie and yes, we still keep in touch.

12. Where was your first sleep over?
Um... probably Natalie's or Linda's.

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
Linda's

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Let Max out.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
Garth Brooks in 1997.

17. First tattoo or piercing?
ears

18. First foreign country you went to?
Canada

19. First crush?
Ben... I can't think of his last name. He had sandy blonde hair and blue eyes. We were in kindergarten.

20. When was your first detention?
Freshman year of high school.

21. What was the first state you lived in?
Ohio

22. Who was the first person to break your heart?
Eljam

23. What was your first pet?
A black and white cat named Ricky.

24. Who was your first kiss?
Danny Flagg

25. Who will be the first to repost this?
No idea

Happy Meme

2007-10-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

Infertility is so depressing, so this a nice little meme about being happy:

Happy is good.

The rules are easy, just post 10 things that recently made you happy! Because it is good. Everyone needs a little happiness once in awhile.

1. Homemade chocolate cake and my mom's vegetable soup. Soooo yummy...

2. I finally got to go back to Ohio last week for a little vacation. I needed some Ohio time. The leaves are changing and when I crossed the state border, it was incredibly sunny but sprinkling just a little bit - it smelled amazing, the rain mixed with the scent of fall. I almost cried.

3. Going to lunch with my friend, Ginger. It was great to see her with just the two of us hanging out.

4. Seeing Jeanette and Brandy, friends from high school. I hadn't seen Brandy in eight years!

5. My husband looking at me with such adoration in his eyes that I get all tingly. He's been doing that a lot lately. :)

6. My mom coming back to Virginia with me. The 10-hour drive flew by - we talked the entire way - and we've done nothing but hang out around the house. It's been nice.

7. Finding out I get to see the nurse practictioner for my next ultrasound. I like her soooo much better than my doctor and trust her more than him. I'm already starting a list of things to ask her about.

8. Within two weeks, I will be done with fertility treatments and taking a much-needed break. I am looking forward to this immensely.

9. FINALLY getting word from DFAS that our debt has been canceled and being told that if we don't have the money they owe us by the end of THIS WEEK to call them!!!!!!!!!

10. Finding out I have an amazing credit score - better than 95% of the rest of the country! WHAT!? That's crazy (awesome)!

CD 1... again

2007-10-07T17:36:00.000-07:00

Not a big surprise or anything, but still sad nonetheless.

I've already started thinking about our next steps. We lose the insurance Oct. 27, so I'll do one more round of Clomid and a last IUI. Although I admit that I am definitely looking forward to not having to deal with the military or treatments any more, I'm not against trying some homeopathic treatments just to see how that goes. I'm actually in Ohio now visiting family and plan on going to some local holistic stores that I know around here to hopefully find some progesterone supplements (since the doctor won't give me any) and research what's out there. A family friend was telling me about this holistic stuff that she does and said she'd send me information on the fertility stuff she knows about and another friend said she'd give me the information for the holistic doctor she uses for her son who has really bad allergies. Any suggestions that my fellow infertiles have will be gladly accepted. I'm kind of at a loss where to start here.

I'm so ready to move and get settled here so we can start the home study and just adopt already.

Seriously.

11 dpo

2007-10-03T14:42:00.000-07:00

Did I mention that I asked my doctor about progesterone supplements? His response was "there's no research that they do anything." So basically: No, you can't have them. :/

He also asked "So, when are you going to try for a test tube baby?"

I once again reminded him that we can't do IVF because the waiting list is six months long and we lose our insurance this month. His response to that? A shrug followed by a "Well, we tried." :::grinds teeth::: I hate the military.

PERHAPS if I'd been able to get the appointments I needed a little quicker at the beginning of all of this, we could have gotten on the list months ago, but whatever.

Nothing much else going on besides cramps on and off all day. There's nothing better when trying to mind your own business and go about your day peacefully than a random small reminder that your period is coming and you can't get pregnant.

Not fair.

7 dpo

2007-09-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update as not much is going on.

Basically am having the same symptoms that I do every month around this time: I was having some cramps yesterday. My yeast infection seems to be coming back yet again :| Diarrhea cha, cha, cha. Definitely not having high hopes that this IUI worked, although most hopes were already dashed when we found out how little sperm there were this month.

That's all I've got.

In other news, our new doggie is doing well. Besides when meeting new people or having lots of other excited dogs around, he's very well behaved. He follows me around everywhere and gets jealous of the cats, to the point that if I'm petting one of the cats, he'll get as close to me as they'll let him and paw at me feet or lick my legs. He looks at me like, "You don't love me!" When Mollie smacks him for getting in her space, he runs to me and cuddles up wanting me to comfort him. He's definitely been a great distraction for this 2ww (I can't believe it's already been a week since the IUI), but seeing George deliver a baby on Grey's Anatomy was a sudden kick to the stomach and rush of emotions about what I've been attempting to ignore. No matter how much you treat your pets like they are your family (even though they are), it's just not the same as children. :::sigh:::

Next weekend, Neal and Max and I are driving to Ohio to visit my family and go househunting! I am so excited as the house that I've had my eye on since last February is still on the market there and they've dropped the price twice, lowering it about $35k! We're considering putting our house on the market, selling it and moving to Ohio with or without jobs lined up. If we move before October 27, the Navy will pay for the move. We're expecting a severence pay from the Navy still and a big profit on our house so we could put a good chunk aside as a downpayment for the next house and still have extra to live off of if need be. I know I can get a job somewhere with insurance and work with Glenna catering, and we can do dj-ing on the side, plus I'm so not concerned about Neal finding a great job... it's just hard to do when you're in a different state and don't have time off to take from your current job to go on interviews. I'm ready to just up and go and do this already!

IUI #3 aka Cruel and Unusual Punishment

2007-09-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

I've been rather slow about posting about the recent IUI, but part of it is because I've been so busy.

Saturday morning we headed to the Jones Institute for the sperm wash. Things were going well. We got there early and were the first ones so we figured we'd be in and out in no time. I'd brought a book to read and Neal took a nap while we waited.

Strike 1
The results were the worst they've been so far: 1.7 million motile sperm. It just gets worse every time and it's very disheartening. I know that it takes three months for new sperm to be created and it's only been two months since he stopped smoking and started taking better care of himself, but still... why is it getting even worse?

Strike 2
So we trudged to the car to head to the hospital. Usually this takes like 10-15 minutes but due to a parade going down the main street, the entrance to the hospital was blocked. WHO BLOCKS A HOSPITAL??? Traffic was awful because they didn't have any detour signs or anything and there were hundreds of cars everywhere. With the sperm stuffed in my bra and me cursing at our luck, it took us about an hour to get there, and that's after three U-turns and driving all of the way around to get to the street on the farthest side of town and come to the hospital the back way. So not cool.

Strike 3
For some reason, they think nothing of putting people who are going through fertility treatments in labor and delivery. That is truly cruel and unusual punishment. There were three pregnant ladies who were all in labor in the waiting room and of course they had to talk and talk and talk about it. Even Neal was grumbling under his breath and looking at me like, "I can't believe this." Then, they put us in an exam room with a lady in the room next to us in labor and hooked up to heartrate monitors so we could hear the baby's heartbeat. I tried to drown it out and just chit chat with Neal but an hour later we were still sitting there waiting to have a five-second procedure.

Finally, the doctor and her assistant came in and spent another 10 minutes coming and going looking for the needed supplies because they were incredibly disorganized. At one point, the doctor almost even spilled the sperm!

Relax your knees, cramp, done. Lay here for 20-30 minutes then you can leave.

That's when in the room on the other side of us, the husband of a lady who had just had her baby came out and insisted on standing outside of our door and make all of the phone calls to let everyone know. Neal climbed up behind me on the bed and covered my ears while I layed there trying not to cry.

So all in all it wasn't physically painful like it was last time, just emotionally painful which is probably worse.

11 more days of waiting, three rum and cokes and one more procedure to go then we can put all of this behind us and move on.

Meet Max

2007-09-23T11:48:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Max! I'm a 7-month-old pure bred black lab with a very good temprament. I have big brown eyes, floppy ears and a callick on my butt. Unfortunately, my first mommy's cancer came back and she's getting ready to start chemotherapy so she knew she wouldn't be able to take care of me the way that I need. Her daughter helped her find me a new home and yesterday I took a roadtrip from Pennsylvania to Virginia to meet my new mommy and daddy!

I love to go for walks but have been used to taking the lead and dragging my previous owners around everywhere. These new people seem to be wanting to be the pack leaders though so I'm learning to heel and stop and stay when they tell me, too. My new mommy took me for an hour and a half long walk today all the way to the local pet store, which was closed! Man, was I tired after that treck! But it was so much fun... we saw like 7 different dogs in their backyards. Some were friendly and wanted to say hi, others just barked and barked and barked. We avoided them.

For some reason before my new owners let me do anything, they make me sit and stay and can only move when I've calmed down and they tell me to. I don't really understand what that's about but if it gets me what I want, I'm more than happy to do it! They said something about me having pretty good manners already but needing to learn some more... I think Mommy read Cesar Milan's book and got a bunch of tips from him.

My new home is awesome! It's got a great big back yard that I'm allowed to run around like a maniac in... perfect for playing with my favorite blue ball! And there are sooooo many pine cones out there! I LOVE PINE CONES!!!!! I've been making a pile of them and even snuck one in the house earlier today!

This new house also has two cats! Mollie is one tough broad and has smacked my nose three times. I'm kind of afraid to get too close to her but she seems to be adjusting to the fact that I'm living here now. Siren on the otherhand is terrified of me and hunches up to look all big while growling, hissing and shaking like a leaf. When they run, I can't help but chase after them, but they sure don't like that either! However, they are very sneaky and know where to go so that I can't get to them - high up on the cat tree or speakers or under the beds. I just want to play with them!

Speaking of the cats, Mollie has this totally awesome toy that I'm allowed to play with! It's round with a scratching pad in the middle and a ball that spins around it. I CAN'T get that ball out but man is it fun to try! Mommy took a video of me and can't help but laugh at my ears!

We're going to be heading to PetSmart in a little bit so that Mommy and Daddy can buy me a crate to sleep in until I get used to the house and they can trust that I won't chew everything up and go to the bathroom everywhere. I am housetrained, but you know, sometimes you just can't hold it and I'm still learning how to communicate with these people. Last night, they put my bed and my favorite toys in the shower and shut me in there. I was kind of scared and cried for about 15 minutes before falling asleep. I think I'll like a crate much better because I'll be able to be in the same room as them and see what's going on.

Mommy got a job at a veterinary hospital (which is how she found out about me) and Daddy has been working afternoon shift at Anheuser so they figured that they could trade off taking care of me so I wouldn't have to be home alone all day. Unfortunately, this week Daddy goes to days because he's going to some training class which means no one would be home with me all day! Mommy thinks she can bring me with her though... I'll get to hang out in a crate or in the dog runs and play with other dogs who are there for daycare. She gets an hour and a half lunch where I'll get to go for a walk and hang out with her for a little bit and then Daddy will pick me up around 4:30 when he's off work. Mommy doesn't like working for the vet though and her other boss offered her more hours to work from home, so she's only going to be staying there for another week or so. Then I won't have to go to work with her anymore.

Next weekend, we're going to go to the dog park and to the beach! I don't know what a beach is but Mommy said I'll need a bath afterwards, so you know it's going to be fun!!!

Here's a video of the cats a couple of weeks ago when they were calm and actually playing together:

Siren and Mollie playing together

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u/s, iui, and puppies, oh my!

2007-09-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

Just got back from having the ultrasound done. There are two larger follicles (one in each ovary) as well as two other medium-sized ones. None are large enough yet, so I'm triggering tomorrow afternoon and am scheduled for the sperm wash then IUI at 9 a.m. on Saturday. I didn't realize this could be done on the weekend and am happy that my husband will be able to join me instead of rushing off to work but also feel bad about the fact that I'm scheduled to work Saturday morning at the vet. I really feel bad because they've already switched around the schedule so that Stephanie, who's husband leaves for his fourth duty in Iraq on Sunday, could have that day off. Guess we'll see what they say, although it doesn't matter because if I have to choose between fertility treatments and my job, I'm obviously going with the treatments, especially since I already told them I'm quitting.

So Saturday should be rather eventful! We're also getting a black lab that afternoon! His mommy's cancer just came back and she's getting ready to start chemo and knows that she won't be able to care for him. She's in her 70s as it is and is already finding him to be too much of a handful for her (he's 7 months old). They live in Pennsylvania and are driving down here Saturday to stay the night with their daughter who told me about the dog. Anyway, very exciting and will distract me during the 2ww!

Quick update

2007-09-17T17:37:00.001-07:00

I got the job at the veterinary hospital and have been working there exactly one week today. I don't like it and am quitting. I work part-time for a friend of mine so between that, the new job, house stuff and fertility treatments, it's just too much. I blame getting the job in the first place on a strange week and a half of being happy and sociable and feeling kind of bored. Plus, the pay is crap... I'm making the same amount working full-time there as I am working part-time for my friend - and that's not including any bonuses that I get through the p/t job!

Clomid is kicking my ass this month. Last cycle I had zero side effects, this cycle I'm having hot flashes galore and headaches.

I go in Thursday for my ultrasound to see how many eggs we have this month and to see if they have any available appointments for IUI #3. I'm guessing it'll be on Friday or Monday.

That's all I've got.

Oh, besides to say that out of 17,000 people that attened Lunatic Luau (an all-day rock band extravaganza thing that was in town over the weekend), wouldn't it be my luck that no matter where we sat, we always had at least one child (CHILD) near us. As in babies, toddlers or five year olds. Toddlers who were adorable but who's parents were teaching them to flip people off and sing along to the cuss word-filled songs. Who takes little kids to rock concerts anyway!?! Makes me sick.

Bad, bad, bad, bad day.

2007-09-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

Bad #1
I started my period. Three eggs = zero babies. Almost makes me chuckle at my momentary fear of having triplets, but more than anything it makes me want to get piss ass drunk. Neal called off work today and we're having a steak dinner with garlic mashed potatoes and getting drunk.

Bad #2
While having cramps and feeling my tampon fill up, attempting to be happy and outgoing at the vet where I'm trying to get a job, while looking at pictures of everyone's kids, answering the "do you have kids" question and being told the lovely story about how they know someone who "tried for years to get pregnant and as soon as they stopped trying, they got pregnant! With twins! And she only had 11 minutes of labor!" Yay!!!! I cried all the way home.

Bad #3
45 minutes of Mr. Urologist basically saying: "No vericocele, so can't help you. Not surgical, no vericocele, can't help you. If you had a vericocele we could do surgery, but you don't, so we can't help you. I don't know anything about fertility treatments." and "What's PCOS?" and "Have you tried timed intercourse and ovulation predictor kits?" (Please. I'm 28 years old, going on two years of trying to get pregnant and seeing a fertility specialist... do you really think I don't know how this whole thing works? Seriously.)

Bad #4
I hate this town. It is sucking the life out of me and changing who I am. The longer we're here, the more bitter, jaded and angry I get. I'm not me and I don't like who I've become. Neal hates this town, too, and almost wants to get fired from AB just to give us an excuse to move to Ohio.

10 dpo

2007-09-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that I haven't been updating as much as I had been. This is for my own sanity. I've been trying to keep myself distracted and busy with other things (like Facebook and video games and organizing closets) that have nothing to do with fertility treatments/adoption/foster care/babies/children. Granted, all of those things still seep in on a daily basis...

I finished reading Jenna's book, "The Empty Picture Frame." I highly suggest it for anyone who knows someone who is going through fertility treatments as well as for anyone who is considering going through fertility treatments. It reaffirmed my desire to NOT do IVF after reading about everything that is truly involved with it.

I've been looking into getting a second job. Right now I work part-time, basically from home, which has been absolutely what I needed during these treatments. There is no way I could have continued to work full-time at my previous (highly stressful) job while doing these. One-two months ago, I really was a wreck. Anyway, I'm about 95% sure that I got hired at a veterinary hospital and I'm very excited. I go in next week for a practice run to make sure I like it and that the staff likes me. I've always wanted to work at a vet and plan on taking the money to help us pay off bills faster and start saving up for adoption/baby expenses. One conern about working there is that I already know that one of the receptionists is pregnant. I have vowed to not secretly hate her but to joke with her about rubbing some of her baby voodoo off on me. Who knows? Maybe she had a hard time getting pregnant, too.

The bracelet I made as part of the Wear to Make Aware movement/Infertility's Common Thread:

Speaking of adoption, we are currently putting things on hold until October for a few reasons. We still want to move to Ohio, but know that that can't happen until we get some projects done around here and Neal finishes the free schooling that his job is putting him through. Both of those things should be done in October, as well as the fertility treatments, if we're not pregnant before then. Come October, we're going to try to seriously look at moving to Ohio so what's the point of starting the home study if we're just going to be moving out of state anyway? Besides, I'd much rather work with agencies in Ohio than the ones here. (I hate this town.) Also, my parents saw a Hallmark movie called "Ellen Foster" about a little girl who basically tries to get into foster care. I bought it and hope to get Neal to watch it with me soon to get his mind to open up to foster-adopt first and possibly domestic infant adoption down the road.

As far as how I'm feeling, I'm still having sharp pains whenever I do anything that involves the lower half of my stomach. If I sneeze, cough, move suddenly, do sit ups/crunches, or stretch, it hurts for a little bit and then the pain fades. I've read on twoweekwait.com that some people's early pregnancy symptoms are constant cramping during the two week wait, so I'm hoping that it's that but know that it could be due to the painful IUI this month. Other symptoms... my nips have been sensitive over the last few days and my boobs are getting sore to the touch. I had a pea-size amount of blood on some toilet paper on 7dpo. Hoping this was implantation bleeding, although I had more last month on 8dpo.

Don't get me started on my hidden fear that I've had multiple chemical pregnancies in the past but can't carry a pregnancy. After the spotting on 8dpo and the mega-painful cramps and huge, scary tissue-like objects that I found once my period started... I didn't take a prenancy test last cycle. If I was pregnant, I don't want to know. Although, if this IUI didn't work, I am going to ask the doctor next cycle about adding progesterone supplement (no injections, please) to my daily routine. (Taking a progesterone supplement provides extra care and support to the lining of the uterus as well as reduce the irritability of the uterus to increase chances of pregnancy.)

Otherwise, I've been feeling good and rather energetic. The other day I woke up at 5 a.m. and was wide awake even when I tried to make myself go to sleep at like midnight. On the flip side, yesterday I went to pick up a blanket off the couch to fold it and next thing I know, Neal was waking me up. :::shrugs:::

Neal has an appointment with the urologist on Wednesday. I'm anxious to see what he'll have to say about Neal's situation.

We're testing on Thursday and Neal is counting down the days.

Stolen words

2007-08-24T10:09:00.000-07:00

Because she says it so well:

From Coming2Terms

"Let me offer up as exhibit A in my "fortified heart."

And by fortified, I mean "fort" in the classic Middle Ages sense. I've recently become painfully aware that over the past several years I've built an impressive wall around my heart that keeps me from genuinely engaging with and getting to know new people. The wall also keeps me at a distance from many others whom I've gotten to know over my lifetime. The wall is a defense mechanism that keeps me from opening up and fully revealing who I truly am now -- that would require tapping into a full range of experiences and emotions that have severely battered me. I clearly don't have a problem tapping into those here in this blog but it's safe here. The physical world is a different matter.

I expend a lot of energy when required in business and social settings holding a smile on my face (but as Aunt Sassy noted recently there's a big difference between smiling with your mouth and smiling with your eyes). I've caught my reflection in a mirror unexpectantly at times and am surprised by the sadness I see in my eyes -- but in those unguarded moments it's unquestionably there.

So why not tear down the wall? While I know I need to work on doing just that, I worry that in allowing myself to fully open up to people the way I once did before IF stole a large joyful part of me that I won't be able to control my heart. I might dissolve in tears, lash out at an innocent comment or become ugly in my anger. Because of that I've found that it's been easier to retreat than to explain. The dark clouds, though, remind me that shutting myself off is not without its costs. It's exhausting to live on guard and it should come as no surprise to me that it's a downer not to be free to be myself."

Jenna

2007-08-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

I've always had a fear that I wouldn't be able to have children so even when Neal and I first started talking about trying to get pregnant, while I was excited, I was also hesitant and doubtful. (Ask my friend, Robyn. She can vouch for me on this.)

Whenever I mentioned my fears to someone, I would get blown off and told I was being silly or paranoid. Well, it's been two years since we first began talking about starting our family and look where we are. Guess I was right all along.

Anyway, one of the first things that I ever saw about infertility that made me feel like I wasn't alone and got me to go online and look for support from others going through the same thing was an episode of Oprah - specifically Jenna's interview. I've often wondered about her since and how things turned out for her. Two days ago, I found her blog and her website.

I've spent the last couple of days reading her blog from the beginning and feeling my heartbreak for her from relating to some of the things she has gone through... the mean and stupid things people say, from the the fears and overwhelming amount of information to learn about adoption to the frustrations and emptiness and loneliness of treatments.

Because of everything she's been through, she has started doing work to help educate people on infertility, change the way it's presented in the media and mandating insurance coverage.

She wrote a book, The Empty Picture Frame, about her experience and to help further infertility education. While ordering the book the other day, I noticed on the back of it that a mother of an infertile person is quoted as saying, "This should be mandatory reading for every friend, acquaintance and family member of all who suffer from this disease." I have yet to receive it in the mail but am very excited to start reading it and hope that others will follow suit and buy it as well. (As an added bonus, proceeds from sales are being donated to RESOLVE, the national infertility association.)

I came across this post of hers today and just loved what she said: "Compassion isn't a phrase comprised of the words, "I know how you feel", but rather a constant arm around the shoulder and a feeling of support that isn't forsaken for the good news distractions of family and friends. Compassion is knowing that no matter how identical your own situation seems to be, you don't need to share your own story of your private hell, but instead listen quietly as a friend pours out their present day horrors."

And this post about the well-meaning things that people do and say.

IUI #2

2007-08-23T20:39:00.001-07:00

Owie, my uterus hurts.

The IUI this afternoon went okay...

We got to see The Goddess (the nurse practicioner) today but she had an intern with her and - lucky me! - he got to do his first IUI on me! I could tell he was nervous - as was Neal - and he was doing great at first. Then he ran into some issues and couldn't get the catheter to go in. He had the Goddess take over and she couldn't get it in either. Needless to say, when she did finally get it in, I *felt* it hit the back of my uterus and have been in pain ever since. When I stand up straight - it hurts. When I bend over - it hurts. When I lay stretched out on the bed - it hurts. She was apologetic and warned me that I'd probably have some spotting, although I haven't seen any.

So I should have three eggs this month which will definitely increase the chances of getting pregnant (hopefully not all three get fertilized though) but on the downside, Neal's sperm count was worse this month. There were only 2.3 million for the insemination this time, whereas last month he had 4.3 million. The desired is at least 10 million or more.

He had his ultrasound yesterday and The Goddess printed out the report for us to see. She said she's not a male expert so she doesn't know what it all means, but one thing that could be of concern that they found was that he has a small cyst on the head of his right epididymis, also known as spermatocele. From everything I've read online, it says that it's benign and doesn't impair fertility because even if it's blocking one of the tubes that delivers the sperm, others would be open; however, if he has a low sperm count in general, perhaps this could be making it worse. I don't know. He can't call until Wednesday to make an appointment for the urologist to go over everything and even then, we were warned that they may not be able to get him in until October. :/ Luckily, the Goddess said to call her if we can't get in sooner and she'll hound them to squeeze us in somewhere. I love her. Hopefully there is something that they can do to up his count and motility.

Other reasons I love The Goddess: (Her name is Ronnie, by the way. I should just call her that.)

1) She's funny. She's got a great bedside manner and you can tell that she really cares. She's very involved and I love that. When she first came in the room she was all "Hey guys! Whatcha been up to?" like we were old friends. She asked how we were feeling and Neal said "Tired." Her response? "Well, you *should* be tired after giving that collection. I know I'm usually sleepy afterwards!" lol.

2) She hung out with us after the nurse and the intern left just to kind of chit chat. She was telling us how she got poison ivy on her face (!), and talked about the farm her and her husband have in North Carolina. She told us that she and him are also in fertility treatments and that she'll be having IVF this fall. She was all "Stay in touch with me and I'll let you know how it goes so you can know what to expect!" I told her that I really appreciated it, but I didn't think we'd be going any further than the IUIs due to losing the insurance and wanting to get past the treatments. She said she still wanted to make sure that I had all of my chart and labs and paperwork come October so that I could take them with me to another doctor if we changed our minds. She also said to remind her in October and she'd write us new prescriptions so we could get them filled and have a stash of meds prior to losing Tricare.

I really wish she had been around back in December when we first started going there. I truly believe that she would have made sure that things happened faster (Neal really should have been referred to a urologist the moment they knew he had a low sperm count). And if things were happening faster, we could have been referred to try IVF sooner and could have gotten on the list to do that, which would probably be happening like now.

Oh, well. Maybe it's just not meant to be... at least right now anyway.

blah. and a funny song.

2007-08-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

The trigger shot this morning was very uneventful. Neal wanted to do it and he did great - I hardly felt it at all. It burned slightly as the medicine went in, but it was totally a piece of cake. (mmm... chocolate cake sounds good right now.)

I was so tired this morning for some reason, that I went back to sleep after getting my shot and didn't get up until 10:30 a.m. and only then thanks to my alarm going off reminding me to go to BodyPump at the gym. I dragged myself out of bed and went, but the day was kind of downhill from there.

I met a friend of mine there and a friend of hers came, too. Of course, her friend is pregnant and an itty bitty thing so she's all belly. They talked about their three-year-olds potty training adventures and how they're getting ready to start pre-school and all of that jazz. I smiled and nodded and tried to be in the conversation, while clenching my jaw and trying not to cry.

Afterwards, I decided that my workout pants make me look fat, so I went to Target to treat myself to some new gym clothes. I spent an hour trying on things and hated it all. Of course, having a woman in the dressing room next to me yell and cuss at her two little boys (who were hilarious and I'm sure adorable) was not helping matters whatsoever.

I ended up not buying anything and eating a soft pretzel and a cherry icee instead.

By the time I left, I was feeling nauseous from eating the entire (huge) pretzel, extremely tired, depressed and felt a headache coming on. I deposited my paycheck at the bank and stopped to get gas, and then headed home and laid back down.

I dragged myself out of bed an hour later to try to work some, eat and take a shower before my friends, Joanne and her husband, Kerry, picked me up to go to church with her. I've been checking out different churches lately to see if I find one I like.

Church was uneventful. I feel like a fraud when I'm in any church because the more I read the Bible and the history of the Bible, the more doubts I have. Plus, if I'm honest, my main reason for even looking at different churches is mostly for networking for adoption and/or to be able to use an adoption agency that will only accept you if you're saved and a regular church-goer. See? I'm a fraud.

Anyway, on the drive home, we were talking and got on the subject of adoption. When I came in the house, Neal asked what we'd talked about which led us to talking about adoption.

Apparently, he's been talking to people or doing some of his own research or something because he said "You know, we're in the running with like 90% of other adoptive couples who also want a caucasian newborn." I told him that I did know that, which is why I totally am not against adopting from the foster care system. He said he didn't want to do that because he doesn't want to miss the first word, first step, etc. I pointed out that just because we adopt an older child now, doesn't mean that we can't adopt a baby down the road. Plus, whenever I think of adopting an older child, I think of my niece, Katlyn. What if something had happened in her life and she'd ended up in foster care? She's a great little girl and we'd adopt her in a heartbeat. Neal said the difference was that I've known her all of my life, to which I stated, "Yes, I have, but you haven't and you fell in love with her the moment you met her."

Probably an even better example would have been my nephews. They haven't had the healthiest or most stable family life and we've already discussed that if for some reason they were to be taken away from their parents, we would adopt them - and we know that they have emotional, behavioral, developmental and learning issues. If we adopt from foster care, we'd try to find a child with either mild issues or none at all.

There are so many kids out there who are really good kids who just got stuck with bad parents or in bad situations. Why should they not have a loving family and a safe home just because we missed their first word?

Plus, if we start the home study now, we would have a child by Christmas.

IUI #2 is tomorrow. I have a headache.

"The Infertiles: 12 Days of Christmas" by Big P and Me

Twelve months of bills
An eleven day LP
Ten Big Fat Negatives
Nine sperm cup samples
Eight vials of bloodwork;
Seven infertiles whining;
(only) Six crappy follices;
Five failed IUIs;
Four prescription injectibles;
The donor egg speech;
A painful HSG;
And a paper sheet that doesn't cover shit.

Trigger happy

2007-08-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

So the doctor's appointment today went okay. I have three follicles that are maturing but none are large enough yet to do anything and I'm not ovulating yet anyway. Dr. S wanted to give them a couple of more days to mature so he sent me home with the stuff to give myself a trigger shot on Wednesday morning and then the sperm wash is scheduled for Thursday at 12:30 p.m. with the IUI at 2:45 p.m.

Neal wasn't there for him to show how to give the shot but I explained that I'd given shots to people before and could do it myself. He asked in what situation I'd done so, so I had to explain to him about Richard and his cancer and the shots I used to give him.

He said that he's not really optimistic for these treatments to work for us because we have both female and male factor infertility - which is what I figured all along - and that he definitely sees IVF w/ ICSI in our future. I pointed out that we are losing the insurance in October, so we won't be able to do IVF because their waiting list is backed up to January (probably February by now) so trying the IUIs is our only option. He seemed disappointed about that. Of course, if I have three mature follicles this month, I'm assuming that ups the chances of at least one of the eggs getting fertilized. Hopefully since Neal's been taking better care of himself his sperm will be better this cycle, too.

So testing day will be around September 6. I was hoping to go to Ohio during this cycle's two week wait, but I'm not sure it's going to happen now. I was planning on leaving this Friday, but Neal is switching shifts at work so he'll actually be home Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Because he's been on midnight shift, he's been working 6-7 days a week so as to not mess up his sleeping schedule so this will be the first time in months that I'll have a chance to spend more than one day with him at a time. Plus, I promised him months ago I'd help put up the neighbors privacy fence when it got to the point that it's at now and I have a hair appointment scheduled for next Thursday that I forgot about. I'm tempted to try to reschedule the hair appointment and go ahead and leave for Ohio Monday morning, but I haven't decided yet.

Neal has only had three cigarettes in the past 2 1/2 weeks so he's doing really well with the quitting. Last night was very stressful at work on top of not getting much sleep over the past two nights - he even decided to not go with me to the appointment this morning because he was exhausted - so he said that he broke down and had a cigarette but that it didn't help him feel any better. That's a great sign!! His sense of smell is more keen, too. He pointed out that the trash smelled last night but I didn't notice it. Usually I'm the one who's all hypersensitive to stuff like that.

Seriously? Seriously.

2007-08-19T17:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, I thought I was getting past people's stupid comments affecting me, but apparently not. I know that they are just uneducated and always mean well, but this comment I got on my MySpace account from a girl I went to high school with just kind of irked me:

"I wanted to let you know that I heard that Yams (the food) has some type of thing in it that acts like fertility thingy. The girl who will become my sister-in-law told me this, but Yams will help you get pregnant if you can't. Thought I would fill you in on this little fact!!"

Yams! The food. (As opposed to... what?)

So, tomorrow when I go to be poked and prodded and have an old guy stick a wand up my hoo-haw and stab me in the bum with a needle to trigger my ovulation, I'll ask if he can prescribe me some yams (the food) instead. And when this fails and we have to try again, I'll substitute my Clomid for yams (the food) and while I'm at it, I'll swap my daily dose of the Metformin horse pills for yams (the food), too. And when my poor husband has to take another trip to deposit his guys at the sperm spa, I'll remind him to ask the technician if yams (the food) would possibly better serve our situation. He can mention it to the urologist too when he goes on Wednesday to see them and undoubtedly be poked and prodded in his nether regions.

This is also the same girl who a few weeks ago offered to be a surrogate for us - in response to a post I did about not being able to continue with more high tech treatments because of losing the insurance - because she's "good at having healthy babies." Yes, we can't afford to do our own treatments, so let's take it one step further and get someone else to do it. That would be so much cheaper.

end rant.

Books for sale!

2007-08-19T16:11:00.000-07:00

Totally not fertility related, but I'm selling a ton of my books and just spent hours listing them all on Amazon Marketplace. So, if you're interested...

http://www.amazon.com/gp/shops/index.html/002-7209858-9479246?ie=UTF8&sellerID=AWLAO4Q9KDJ2D

Most of them are Dean Koontz (my all-time favorite), but there are also some Danielle Steel among others.

i hate coming up with subjects.

2007-08-15T12:49:00.000-07:00

I took today off of work because I had absolutely no motivation when I woke up - after sleeping like 12 hours - and was feeling sad. Eventually, I got a little motivated and went to the grocery store and the pharmacy but on the drive there and back, it seemed like every commercial or song on the radio made me want to cry. BLAH on Clomid. It makes me an emotional mess and I hate it.

Speaking of fertility stuff though, while I was at the pharmacy, I was looking at Neal's ID card and it says that it doesn't expire until Oct. 27, 2007... that means we have Tricare an extra month longer than we'd thought, so I guess that means we'll have four tries total with the IUIs. Good because you just never know if one might work, bad because I'm itching to get started on the adoption stuff. I was just thinking the other day about how if I could get Neal on board with foster-adopt, we could have a child here for Christmas. This is going to be the third Christmas that I haven't loved or even remotely looked forward to and the third time I've held onto the hope that it would be our last Christmas childless. It's rather depressing and I'd love to have a child to spoil on that day. Wah. :(

Trucking along

2007-08-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

I totally just realized yesterday while taking my first Clomid pill this cycle that I was actually supposed to start it the day before. Oops. :/ Not that I have any hope for this cycle anyway - nothing will have changed as far as Neal goes and my ultrasound isn't scheduled until Day 15, meaning the IUI will probably take place on Day 16 or 17, which seems a little late for ovulation. Then again, I don't truly know when I ovulate so whatever. I know nothing.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. I've been productive and have been getting out of the house. I even went to church this morning with a friend of mine... of course we ended up sitting in the back and the three pews in front of us each had a baby propped up on it's mom's shoulder staring at me. They were even scattered so each one was not blocking the other and I had a perfect view of all three. Good times, I tell ya.

Neal and I got into it about a week and a half ago about his smoking. You may recall that I only agreed to proceed with the treatments if he agreed to stop smoking in order to try to help his part of fertility issues. When I caught him hiding outside and smoking, I snapped on him. I went inside and checked his medicine and found that he hadn't been taking it - he was four doses behind. I went around in a rage, found all of his hiding places, threw all of the packs of cigarettes and lighters away and even picked up a good 100 cigarette butts and threw them away. I told him flat out that I wasn't putting it up with it any longer and that I couldn't live a life where I can't trust my husband, cringe when I go to kiss or hug him and feel like I can't leave my house for fear of catching him doing something that pisses me off. I was putting up walls to him and I didn't want to live like that. I told him he was quitting - right then - or I was leaving... I was going to my parents house in Ohio and I didn't know when I'd be coming back.

Since then he has truly been trying. He reports to me each day how he's feeling and calls me when we're not together so I can help distract him from actually smoking. He's been taking his medicine and he's been sleeping really well. He's admitted that he's had a couple - one a few days ago that he regretted because it made him sick (yay! good sign!) and one last night at work. He said it didn't make him sick this time, so I drilled him to make sure he was still taking his meds, hadn't bought any packs and thanked him for being honest with me about it.

I know he's got a ways to go, but I feel like for the first time in four years, he's truly trying so it's something. I know that he can do it - he just has to put his mind to it and get through these first few weeks. And knowing that I can go outside when he's out there without being guarded for fear of an argument about catching him, I've been feeling a lot better and closer to him again, which I really missed.

I think I've also been feeling better because I've been focusing on researching adoption agencies, so that's taken my mind off the whole can't-have-a-baby thing. I've contacted like 8-10 agencies to send me paperwork to read over everything and figure out their fees, as well as to see how quickly and politely they respond.

Bethany Christian Services responded very quickly and were really nice. Unfortunately, we can't use them unless we have an identified adoption because in order to enroll in their domestic infant adoption program, you must "have a saving relationship with Jesus Christ and He is Lord of (your) lives and are active members of a Christian church." Yeeeeah. I think that I'm probably more spiritual than a lot of people, but it's a private thing for me. I believe in God, I believe there's a life after this, I read the Bible, I believe in the morals that the Bible teaches and even think that I'm probably more "Christian" than a lot of Christians. But I don't think that you have to attend church regularly to have a realtionship with God and I don't like to claim an organized religion. I totally understand that they are trying to assure the birthparents that their child will be raised in a loving family, but just because you go to church and claim to be Christian, doesn't truly mean anything. I would totally take my children to church when they're little so that they could be introduced to it, but I think it's their individual decision as to what type of religion (if any) they want to follow. So. We can't use them. And it's too bad too because their prices were pretty good and they're the closest location wise. :::shrugs:::

One question/thought: Is that not religious discrimination?

Aaaaand: Orange_Milk! Where are you? You said your blog was back up but when I go there, it's gone and I can't contact you any other way as I don't have your e-mail address. :(

CD 1. IUI #2, here we come.

2007-08-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

My period finally came in full force today. I've been cramping and spotting for like three days now so I'm glad it's finally here. I'm not too upset... a little disappointed obviously and annoyed that we have to do this whole thing again, but I didn't think it worked so I'm not surprised.

I called Mary to let her know and she scheduled me for an ultrasound on August 20. I'm actually hoping for more than one egg this time... maybe up the chance of one of them getting fertilized. So, the next IUI will probably be on August 21. Neal is on midnight shift so he should be able to get to stay with me this time, which will be nice.

Speaking of, he finally called to make an appointment with a ugologist and they didn't have any appointments available until August 22. So, if there's anything fixable, it's not going to effect this cycle. I'm very frustrated that the RE didn't refer him to a urologist in the first place - and frustrated at us for not pushing more. We tried to push, but all we got out of it was a second semen analysis... he never gave us the referral and then we kind of just forgot about it. Dang it. I'm also annoyed that the "RE" is actually a gyno... this I didn't find out for months.

In other news, I've been researching local adoption agencies. Earlier this year, I read The Complete Adoption Book from beginning to end so I feel like I'm relatively ready to move to the next step.

I was initially impressed with Adoptions From the Heart, which is not too far from here, but they seem relatively expensive and charge hourly for some things (which was something the book said to avoid). They charge $18k just for the placement... that's in addition to the home study, the application fee, attorneys fees, educational courses, and all of the other things you have to do. I'm thinking it would be around $25k total with them.

Bethany Christian Services seemed okay, but they don't post their fees on their website, which is something else the book said to watch out for. I e-mailed them for more information and specifically asked for the schedule of fees, but haven't heard anything back yet. So, we'll see how that pans out.

Then there's Adoptions Together. The office is about three hours from here but the prices seem okay. They charge $1450 for the home study, which includes the application fee and $10-13k for the placement. Much cheaper than AFTH.

I dunno. So many choices.

Speaking of adopting, apparently we're not fostering that kitten. On Thursday, I called and spoke with the vet who called Annette, the lady who'd taken him home, and left a voice mail for her. She never called back, so yesterday, I called the vet again to try to catch her while she was at work. She was kind of standoffish about the whole thing and tried to get us to adopt one of her FIV cats that she has at her house. I explained that we weren't looking to adopt but that we'd be happy to foster the kitten until he was old enough for adoption. She asked us to come in to see him and when we got there she was all "Well, he stopped nursing so he has to be tube fed so nevermind." That's fine - I don't want to tube feed him, but for some reason, we don't believe her. He was crying like he was hungry and suckling on her finger and both Neal and I agreed when we left that she wasn't going to be calling us - even if she did get him back on the bottle. I left my number anyway and told her that if they ever get any babies that need fostered, that we'd be happy to help. :::shrugs::: Too bad too... hew as adorable. When he cried, he sounded like a zip tie - so friggin' cute.

Well, that was easy.

2007-08-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

If you haven't read my post from last night/this morning at 1 a.m., please go do so before you proceed with this post.

I will wait. It's a little long.

:::twiddles thumbs:::

Done? Okay.

So this morning Neal got home (he's on midnight shift right now) and laid down with me. I felt like it was the perfect time to discuss everything that I talked about in last night's post, but as I started to broach the subject, I realized that it may not be wise considering that he's trying to quit smoking, is a little bit stressed about work and basically has enough on his plate without me asking him to start seriously considering adoption. So, I decided to wait. We laid there talking about other things: His job, my sleeping schedule that seems to come in two-hour spurts which would be perfect for a newborn, dreams we'd both had the night before.

Half an hour later, our phone rang and that call set off a whole chain of events.

It was a woman I used to work with saying that someone had found a 4-day old kitten and that she had spent the evening at the vet with him and that if they didn't find someone to take him, he was going to be euthanized. She knew that we had found Siren when she was 2 weeks old and had bottlefed her so she wanted to see if we would take him. I told her I'd have to talk to Neal and call her back.

I told Neal and we discussed how mad Mollie (our 10-year-old tortie cat) would be, how happy the almost-1-year-old Siren would be, how my two-hour at a time sleep schedule/working part-time from home is perfect for the situation, etc. He said we could just keep it until it was weaned and give it away and he said that someone at work was just asking him if we had any other kittens because they wanted one. He can't remember who it was but said he could ask around.

So, I called Nancy back and told her we'd take him. He's at the Emergency Vet Clinic which is only open during hours when other vets are closed and the lady who Nancy talked to last night had taken the kitten home so she could bottle feed him and so he wouldn't be put to sleep. She said that if she found someone who would take him, to call the vet tonight when they open at 6 p.m. and have the vet call her (she's off until Sunday). So, hopefully tonight we'll have a new kitten!

After I got off the phone with Nancy, Neal said "I feel like God wants us to take care of him. Kind of like preparation for a newborn." I said "I felt that way when we found Siren. Now I feel like God is trying to appease me for awhile. Or trying to prepare me for foster care - taking care of him until he can find a permanent home."

Neal never talks about God. I know he believes in him, but he's not very spiritual and we never have discussions about religion. So for him to say that out of the blue... it was very poignant.

Then he sat down and said "Some people at work know of some people who were going through infertility treatments and as soon as they stopped, they got pregnant." (Yes, one of the dreaded things we infertiles hate to hear.) I just sighed, sat down next to him and said, "I don't think we're going to get pregnant."

Neal: "How long have you thought that?"

Me: :::thinking, "I've told you this before"::: "Honestly, all of my life."

Neal: "I want to adopt a baby as young as possible."

Me: :::shocked:::

Neal: "I heard a commercial the other day for open adoption."

Me: :::still shocked::: "Um, yeah. That's where... blah, blah, blah." I explained what open adoption was and pointed out some pros and cons. I explained that that would mean doing domestic adoption and the pros and cons of that and what that would entail. I explained some of what's involved with the home study.

So, yeah. See? I follow what I feel, and things fall in place.

Okay. I'm off to actually do my hair and get dressed, try to get some work done, and get ready for an itty-bitty kitten. (Pictures will be posted.) I need to dig out and sterilize Siren's bottles, go buy some kitten formula and get a bed ready. Oh, and Neal already named him: Chance, as in second chance.

Epiphany

2007-08-01T20:23:00.000-07:00

I've been exploring the internet and reading blogs of others with infertility. (I have like 20 bookmarked now... jeez.) Due to the experiences that all of these other amazing women have gone through and their wisdom, along with a lot of thinking, I've come to a decision about myself and our treatments.

First, I say "I've" come to the decision because I haven't discussed this with Neal yet due to the fact that his way of dealing with all of this is to not deal with it.

I honestly think that I've wanted to adopt ever since I got my first Cabbage Patch Kid doll when I was like 5 years old... probably before I'd ever even heard the word "adoption." At toy stores I would see shelf after shelf of all of the different CPKs and think "They need families. I want to give them a family." I didn't really know what adoption was but I understood that orphans were children alone in the world and even as a young child, it broke my heart. When I introduced my sixth CPK doll (a red-headed boy named Abraham Dunbar), to his new siblings, I made sure to remind the other five (Polly, Linda, Andrew, Vanessa, and Brandon) that even though he was older than them (I don't know why, but he was older in my mind), he was their new brother and he was to be treated the same.

After my fiance died (10 years ago this October... jeez.) we went to court to have the sperm that we had had frozen for our future children (he had cancer and went through chemo which can ruinsperm production) put in his dad and my names so it wouldn't be destroyed. Five years later, out of the blue I got an e-mail from his mom asking if I wanted to keep it... I think they were having money problems and couldn't afford to keep paying for storage fees. That sperm haunted me for five years. I thought about it all of the time and seriously considered using it, but whenever I truly thought about going through with it, I would think about how hard it would be for all of us to have his child with him not there and of all of the kids in the world who needed adopted.

I told his mom to stop paying for the storage and have it destroyed. (That sperm still haunts me. I don't know if she actually had it destroyed - she never said - but I wouldn't be surprised if she kept it, just in case I changed my mind.)

Before Neal and I even started trying to conceive, I told him I wanted to adopt. (I even found a sibling group of three beautiful little girls who stole my heart and made me want to start the home study right then.) I always wanted to adopt and have kids of our own and I never cared which order it was in. I figured we could go ahead and start the adoption process and if we happened to get pregnant during that time, we could put it on the backburner and pick back up later. Adoption was never something he had thought about doing though and to him was more of an option only if you can't have kids on your own so he wanted to just try to get pregnant and maybe someday down the road adopt. (Which I think was his way of appeasing me while not truly having to dea with such an emotional decision.)

It's been two years since I found those girls and started researching adoption. I don't think Neal's any closer to really wanting to adopt because he's the one pushing for all of these fertility treatments. He's not ready to give up.

I said up front that if there was something wrong, I wanted to know what it was and move on. I didn't want to go through the treatments and all that entails - the drugs, the doctor's appointments, the procedures, the money, the insurance, the stress, the failure, the heartbreak.

At that time, I knew myself and I knew how I would react to treatments and I knew that I didn't want to put myself through that. Plus, something was pushing me towards adoption and to me, that felt more right than anything else.

But he pushed. Instead of researching it, coping with it and really listening to what I was saying about it, like everything else, his way of dealing with it is to not deal with it. Instead of grieving the news of both male and female factor infertility and sitting down with me to discuss the pros and cons of the choices we faced, he saw that it could be an "easy" fix by putting me on some meds and doing the IUI.

I admit that I'm partly to blame. I felt guilty for not wanting to try because he wanted to. I felt like I would somehow be betraying him if I flat out said no. I also felt guilty for our unborn children - like I was giving up on them or not even giving them a chance. Plus, with the military insurance coverage, IUI is practically free, so I felt guilty for passing up the treatments when I know so many out there are struggling to come up with the money to give it a shot. And I knew that if we didn't try, down the road there would be "what ifs?" about the decision. And yes if my ovulation issues could be fixed by the meds and the sperm issues helped by giving the guys a free ride to my uterus, nature should take its course and everything *should* be peachy.

But...

I know this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing and I don't know how to make Neal understand that. I feel like I'm doing this for everyone else, not for me. I feel like I've been pushed down this path and I keep looking back over my shoulder to the path I'm supposed to be on, all while keeping an eye out for a side road that will take me back there. I feel like I'm lost and I'm angry.

I'm angry at the diagnoses. I'm angry at the treatments. I'm angry at the doctors and their rude receptionists. I'm angry at the way the medicine makes me feel. I'm angry at all of the people who take their children for granted. I'm angry that when I quit my job, I lost all of the friends that I had there. I'm angry at Neal's inability to help me deal with all of this. And all of that anger seems to make me lose my patience and get angry at other things: I'm angry that we still live here (we hate this town and have been trying to move basically for two years). I'm angry at my husband's job who told him in the interview that they'd be happy to transfer us to Ohio, but after he got hired, they said we'd have to wait five years. I'm angry at my brother for dying and not having his support. I'm angry at God.

I've been angry at God before. When my brother died. When my fiance died. When my friends died. (I had like 5 deaths in one year.) I've been trying for months to sort through my feelings with these treatments and be able to turn to Him, but I feel like I can't. I feel like when I try, I hit a roadblock. I picture Him standing there looking at me with His arms crossed saying, "You already know, but you're not listening to me." And I'm not - I'm listening to what everyone else wants.

So. To qualm the "what ifs," we'll continue with the IUI until we lose the insurance in September. (Barring any more major meltdowns from me, that is.) I feel like I already know it's pointless and some would say that negative thinking isn't going to help the situation, but I honestly don't feel like it's negative thinking. I don't know how to explain these feelings I have about my life. Hopefully, trying these treatments will help Neal start to come to terms with everything because, and finally here is the point of this post, I'm not doing IVF.

I don't care if Neal decides we can afford to take out a loan and pay for it out of pocket. I don't care if we make a huge profit on our house when we sell it. I don't care if I suddenly have some rich uncle come out from nowhere and give us the money to do it. I don't care if our new health insurance suddenly starts covering it. There are like 10x the drugs and 10x the doctor's appointments and 10x the procedures and 10x the risk and I'm not putting myself through it. The stress, the waiting, the hope and the devastation - I've been through enough of that in my life already and I refuse to pay money for it, especially with the increased risk of miscarriage.

I'm still debating on what type of adoption I want to pursue (international or domestic? Private or agency? Foster care or birthmother?) but these are decisions that really need to be made with Neal. Since this is something I can't get him to talk about right now, I'll just continue to do as much research as I can and try to figure out what I think is best and then once (when?) he decides he's ready, I'll show him what I think we should do.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still stressed beyond belief and so not looking forward to the next two months. I'm still biting my nails praying that none of Neal's siblings call to say they're pregnant and hoping that I'm not invited to any baby showers in the next few months.

But with this decision, I finally feel like after 16 months without, I've found some peace.

no title.

2007-08-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

Pregnancy test on Tuesday was negative. Crampy cramps annoying me. Blah.

On a note that many won't understand and will probably go, "What is she talking about?", how in the hell did I forget that Scully went through infertility treatments? Seriously. This disturbes me.

And because I don't feel like having yet another friggin' depressing post, here is a video of my kitten when she was 2-weeks old bottle feeding. Note her ear movement as she sucks on the bottle. Soooooo friggin' cute.

11dpo

2007-07-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

I realized that counting the days since the IUI doesn't really matter because you test based on when you ovulated, not when the procedure was done. Granted, I don't know for sure when I ovulated... either the 19th or the 20th. We'll say the 19th because I showed a surge on the 18th and was having some cramps around that time. So yes, 11dpo.

I barely slept last night so I'm exhausted and cranky today and having cramps on top of that. We've been having thunderstorms since yesterday afternoon (poor Mollie is terrified and hiding under the chair - still) and I think the thundering last night kept waking me up. I think I dozed off in spurts of 30 minutes or so and saw almost every hour on the clock.

I know that at one point I had a dream about Richard (my late fiance who died from cancer). I was with a bunch of people who seemed to be mad at me about something when his dad's cell phone started ringing. I picked it up and saw that it was the hospital and handed it to him. He answered it then hung up and said non-chalantly, "That was the hospital. Richard's dying soon." Everyone just looked at me, expecting that I would call him to talk to him and say goodbye. I told them all that I wanted to go to the hospital and see him but they all acted like that was out of the question and were diappointed in me for thinking of doing that so they all just ignored me yet wouldn't let me leave.

I think all of this infertility stuff is bringing back a lot of the feelings I had after Richard died. No one knows what to say to me so no one says anything, which leaves me feeling isolated and alone and like I've done something hideously wrong.

I think that during next month's two week wait, I'm going to fly to Ohio and stay with my parents. At least that way I'll have some distractions during that time and can go visit some friends I haven't seen in awhile. I hate this town and I hate that all of my friends have moved away or don't have time for me. I just want these next two months to pass quickly so that I can be done with this and move on.

Self-preservation

2007-07-29T19:41:00.001-07:00

I think my self-preservation is kicking in.

I went from anxiously counting down until testing day, to absolutely dreading it because I've lost my hope again. Yesterday and Friday I was pumped up, feeling good (happy even) and I got a lot done. Yesterday alone, I did all of the laundry, cleaned the entire house, made a full turkey dinner and even hemmed some clothes. All of this even though I didn't wake up until after noon. Out of the blue last night, while watching tv with my husband, I turned to him and said "I don't think I'm pregnant."

Aside from being tired (which I blame on not sleeping well) and the possible implantation bleeding, I'm not having any other symptoms that would make me think I'm pregnant. I've been having a little bit of dull cramps today and my nipples are starting to get sore. That on top of starting to feel kind of down, leads me to believe that AF is on her way and that this IUI failed. I also keep thinking about how my period will be here Saturday and as soon as I see that blood, I'm having me a rum and coke. Or maybe three.

Of course, I have no reason to think I'd simply know if I was pregnant, but I feel like I would. Maybe that's silly and all of these thoughts and feelings are just me subconsciously trying to protect myself and preparing for bad news.

There's no way we would be as lucky as to get pregnant on the first try and I can't keep thinking about how 4.3 million sperm is low for an IUI. (10 million or more is preferred.) And that leads me to think about what we can do next time to improve that.

Unfortunately, that's not up to me... it's up to Neal, which leads me to another reason I think my self-presevation is kicking in: I don't think he's going to quit smoking. Even though he says he hates the habit and addiction and worries about his health, he's only trying to quit because of me asking him to and not because he truly wants to. The only way he'll really quit and it will stick is if he has a desire to do so. Since I don't think that desire is truly there, I don't think he'll quit (or do other lifestyle changes that could help), which means his sperm issues aren't going to change and therefore our fertility issues aren't going to change.

Luckily, he does have that referral to a urologist. They'll probably do another sperm analysis, some blood tests and a testicular ultrasound. Having a doctor tell him things that he needs to do to help the situation will be far more likely to get through his head than all of my research and nagging ever will. Granted, I don't think he's called to make an appointment yet and anything he does now isn't going to have any affect on the sperm we have to work with now. It takes three months for new sperm to develop and by then we won't have the insurance.

While I hate that we're on this deadline to get pregnant due to losing the insurance soon, part of me is relieved to have a stopping point to look forward to. I am ready for a break from trying to conceive. It's exhausting - emotionally, physically, mentally and financially draining.

Granted, now I'm worried that come September if I'm not pregnant, he's going to want to go ahead and try IVF and pay for it out of pocket. I didn't think this was something we would consider but the other day he spent $12k on a tractor and I mentioned that I find it ironic that we'll bawk at spending that much to try to have a baby but he thinks nothing of it for a tractor. He hadn't thought of it that way but did point out that the tractor is an investment. I said that wasn't fair to a child. I didn't say that to tell him that I wanted to do IVF and pay for it on our own... I didn't want to do any fertility treatments in the first place. I'd rather just invest all of the money into adoption and if down the road I happen to get pregnant - great! If not, so be it.

Anyway, he really did need the tractor and he's adorably excited about it. He spent the entire week we waited to go look at it, to get the loan and then to go actually pick it up in a state of euphoria, talking about it constantly, dreaming about it (and talking about it in his sleep) and giddily jumping up and down in excitement. It really is adorable, but I can't help wonder (and be saddened) about why he can't put that much energy into trying to get pregnant or get that excited about adopting.

I think what I'm feeling towards that stupid tractor is jealousy. How pathetic is that?

9dpiui

2007-07-27T16:57:00.000-07:00

Day 9.

I realized that I actually have two home pregnancy tests left, so I'm pushing myself to make it to Day 12 before I test.

Fatigue
I went to bed last night around 10:45 p.m. and didn't sleep well again. When I woke up at like 1 a.m., I was nauseous but didn't want to move for fear of throwing up. So I tried to go back to sleep and tossed and turned until around 5:45 a.m., when I moved myself to the couch and slept great. Neal got up around 9 a.m. to go to a doctor's appointment and I had plans to go to the gym, but once again I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 12:30 p.m. I've been tired all day and seriously wanted to take a nap but I haven't worked hardly at all this week because I've been sleeping so much. I've forced myself to stay up but plan on going to bed around 10 p.m.

Nausea
None since last night.

Hunger
Yeah, I could eat. I'm loving me some chips and salsa and really, really want to polish off the bag and jar just to get it over with. Aside from a bowl of multigrain cheerios and a banana, that's really all I've eaten today though. Not a healthy diet at all.

Implantation bleeding
Just the residual bit of brownish stuff. Nothing of note.

Smoking
So for the first week or so after my little breakdown, Neal cut back to like 2-3 cigarettes a day but admitted last night that he's up to smoking half a pack a day. I'm pissed that he didn't hold up his part of the deal. He did however see his doctor today who gave him a new prescription to try. It's called Chantix and is supposed to be better than Zyban. He did not do well on the Zyban at all. He'll be starting the Chantix program tomorrow and it gives him one week to let the Chantix build up in his system and then on day 8 he is to stop smoking. Period. The Chantix works by attaching itself to the same receptors in the brain that nicotine does, but instead of producing more dopemine like nicotine does, which is the chemical that makes you feel elated and happy and therefore want to smoke more, it blocks it so that your body can get used to having normal levels of dopemine. There are other psychological things involved too that he's going to have to do, like make notes of when and where he wants a cigarette and avoid those places, etc. He starts midnight shift on Sunday night so, we're also going to start walking every morning when he gets home.

We'll see how that goes.

8dpiui

2007-07-26T17:39:00.001-07:00

Please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE let what I just saw be implantation bleeding.

Please?

Aside from that, no other symptoms.. besides being tired, but I haven't been sleeping well so I blame my sleepiness on that. Otherwise, I'm good. I've even eaten quite a bit today.

So, yeah. I was kind of shocked to see the blood. It's not a lot, but it's not a miniscule amount either. There was even a small clot involved. All good signs, in my opinion.

To Pee or Not to Pee

2007-07-25T11:58:00.001-07:00

Not-so-shamelessly stolen from Infertility SUCKS! who shamelessly stole the idea from Shakespeare.

"To pee, or not to pee, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the bladder to suffer
The emptying of urine without testing,
Or to use sticks against a tide of unsurety,

And by peeing, end them. To pee, to know;
The answer; and by peeing to say we end
the heart-ache and endless obsessing
That we infertiles are heiresses to-'tis an all-consuming

Desire to be had. To pee, to know;
To pee, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub;
For in using that HPT we can confirm what dreams may come...."
*shamelessly raped from Hamlet, Act III

7dpiui

2007-07-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

7 days past IUI.

I'm feeling pretty good, which is totally different from how I've been feeling over the last, oh, I don't know... two to three months or so. I haven't been nauseous or crampy since Sunday. I've been eating and being productive. Monday I cleaned the house, made lasagna, did laundry and worked, and yesterday, I went and got my hair done (which is way cute), finished laundry, worked and even went out dancing with my boss and her friends. This is a huge (and nice) change from how I've been lately. I'm also stoked because I've lost the 10 pounds I was trying to lose.

I've heard of people feeling pretty energetic with no symptoms early in the TWW and even getting BFP at this time, but I'm trying to not get too anxious about POAS. I want to wait until at least next Tuesday before I test... but that seems so far away.

Stupid TWW.

TTC video. Tissues will be needed.

2007-07-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

I can't embed it, so here's the link to it on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

4dpiui

2007-07-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

4 days past IUI. Feels like an eternity already.

I'm feeling the same as I did last month around this time - extreme nausea, not really wanting to eat, tired, feeling down. Since last night I've been having cramps on my left side (where the one mature follicle was), and my uterus feels heavy. It feels like period cramps, but it's constant and very annoying. The nausea comes and goes, but when it's there, it's almost unbearable. I just want to puke, but no matter what I do, it doesn't happen. Instead I sit there and gag into my handy bucket that I carry around the house with me. I'm trying to eat today with the hopes that maybe if I I have food in my stomach, when I get nauseous something will come up. That seems a strange thing to do now that I reread that... but constant nausea is far worse than actually throwing up.

Being nauseous and crampy is not conducive to wanting to exercise either so I haven't been to the gym since last Monday. Of course, not eating means I'm not gaining wait, so I'm kind of at a stand still on that front, which is okay, but I do want to build my muscles back up. Perhaps tomorrow I'll drag myself to the gym. Although, my plans should really including going to the grocery store - which is also difficult to do. Again, nausea and not wanting to eat does not make one want to think about buying food or cooking. :::shrugs::: Nothing I can do about needing food in the house though so the only thing I can do is go. I need to try to get up early and go before it gets busy so I don't have to deal with the crowds and kids and can get in and out somewhat quickly.

Okay. That was a boring post. :)

What no one told you about trying to conceive...

2007-07-22T13:35:00.000-07:00

That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.

That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.

That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.

That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.

That deep down inside, you can be a very jealous person.

That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.

That you should have gone to medical school like your mom wanted, because you've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with you, you might as well be an M.D.

That you would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors you go to.

That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm.

That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines... until only one shows up every month.

That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work, too.)

That you have no control over some of the goals you set.

That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!

That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).

That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.

That miscarriage is so common.

That you would wish you had started TTC earlier.

That your friends' pregnancies would start to make you sad instead of happy.

That you wasted A LOT of money on birth control!

That you'd EVER be willing to stab yourself in the stomach or ass every day in the hopes that it will help get you PG.

That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.

That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.

That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!

That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!

That you could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.

That you would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell your DH about it.

That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes you sad and when they tell you they have good news, you hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico. Ha!

That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.

That had you bought stock in Clearblue Easy, you'd have your mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.

That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.

That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter whose bathroom you are in.

That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
Feeling like you wish your life away in two-week increments.

That you wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much. Try having someone force you to hold a newborn baby even when you're telling them no... while your at work... with everyone watching. Time was spent in the bathroom after that.

That a group of "strangers" who you will probably never meet, have now become your "best friends" when it comes to ttc.

That you would splash urine on your face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.

That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.

That infertility is more common than you think.

That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.

That one day all of this will make you stronger.

That no one you know (in your non-ttc life) would have any understanding as to how you feel.

That your temper and patience are much shorter than you ever thought.
That infertility is not as rare as you were led to believe.

That you would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and would burst into tears upon hearing their news.

That your faith in God would be tested heavily.That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.

That you are very bitter towards unmarried accidental pgcys, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pgcys.

That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.

That you are so glad my neice was born when she was, early in your ttc, because if she were born now you don't think you could deal with it.

That someone you thought to be your best friend would hurt you by saying that she was sick of hearing about your efforts at ttc.

That you'd discover who my true friends are, both IRL and online.

That you'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least you know what's wrong.

That you would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.

That you could spend so much time and money on figuring out what your body is doing (or not doing).

That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today?"

That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. You had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.

That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.

That some people just say the wrong things.

That a simple blood test costs $648!

That sex would ever become a chore!

That actually having a miscarriage would allow you to understand the loss that others have felt.

That miscarriage would make you want a baby even more than before!

That you would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling you "I know how you feel..."

That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones

That you would become NUMB to the wonderful world around you that you already have (DH, DD, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!

That you would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because you couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!

That you would be so sad, and ashamed.

That you would learn to speak in code, like "I checked CM which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN!"

That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.

That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.

That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through. Definitely right up there with losing Richard.

That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.

That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.

That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.

That you would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...)

That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"

That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone you know would enfuriate me beyond belief.

That you would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.

That you would have to help DH do it in a cup.

That your friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before you get pregnant with #1.

That you wouldn't be able to attend your friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children?"

That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."

That you would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.

That it puts this much strain on a marriage.

That you spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now you can't seem to lose the witch!

That you would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world you want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk you out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to you.

That being overweight would cause people to ask when you're due, which in turn could cause you to cry.

That you would yell at commercials on the TV. (That "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")

That you would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows you love) because it just hurts too much.

That a friend would hide and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset. (we found out when she gave birth)

That sex does NOT ALWAYS equal pregnancy or STD every time.

That your body has its own mind.

That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.

That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.

That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.

That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.

That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one. Yep.

That all of a sudden nursing other people's babies becomes a depressing NOT joyful feeling.

That you feel useless as a female.

That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children.

That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right about of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.

That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to."

That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so
bad.

That the human body and what it actually takes to conceive is so complex that it's amazing anyone ever gets pregnant in the first place.

I've been inseminated.

2007-07-19T11:55:00.003-07:00

... and Neal has taken to calling me "My Inseminated One."

I now have 4.3 million sperm swimming around my uterus looking for my egg. They'd better not only be looking for it but burrowing into it as hard as they can. I made sure that Neal had a cup of coffee first thing this morning so as to give the little guys a bit of a boost. He's cut back on his caffeine intake, so coffee is affecting him like it should now.

So yeah, 4.3 million. The doctor wasn't too happy with that number and said that they like to see it higher. (Normal is 20 million.) He said there's about a 10-15% chance of success, so while that's really low and crappy, here's hoping it works. We only need one of the guys to make it!
On a side note of more crappy statistics, half of all of the sperm were dead.

The actual procedure wasn't bad. It took like a minute from start to finish and felt similar to the HSG cramps due to the catheter being inserted into the cervix. The doctor said to keep our fingers crossed. In two weeks if my period doesn't start to keep taking the Metformin, take a home pregnancy test and if it's positive call to set up an ultrasound. If my period starts, call to schedule the next IUI.

I hope these two weeks pass quickly.

IUI #1 tomorrow

2007-07-18T11:54:00.001-07:00

I guess I should back up to the outcome of my last couple of posts. First, I want to apologize to anyone who reads this - I feel like this blog has turned into a place where I just vent and cry and whine, which is not like me. I'm actually a fun, optimistic person - all of this has just gotten me quite down.

-I had a rum and coke and it was the bomb. I wanted another one, but left it at that.

-I was not pregnant and will not be using that brand of pregnancy test ever again (EPT digital).

-Neal is still smoking, but not as much. He said he was up to a pack a day but now only has about 2-5 a day. That's much better, but I still expect him to stop completely.

My period came 7/7 and was not bad at all. Usually the first day kills me, but this time, I was just tired and a little crampy the day before. After that, I could barely tell I was even on my period and it only lasted for 3 days. I called and was able to get an appointment for the ultrasound (which was this morning) with the nurse practictioner, Nancy Barker, who is now my Goddess.

This cycle of Clomid has not been nearly as bad as last month. I've still been a little nauseous, but it comes and goes quickly. I've actually been hungry and eating normally and haven't had nearly as many headaches either. I'm also not as depressed, which is great. The only thing that is still happening is the hot flashes, which freak me out because I'm always cold.

Just a little background - almost everyone we've ever had to deal with as far as military treatment goes sucks - they're rude, not thorough at all, and generally just hand you things to read instead of talking to you. We just don't trust them, which is yet another stress to add to things.

So, we went for the ultrasound this morning and I was bracing myself for bad news because that seems to be all we've been getting in this area and we'd never dealt with the nurse practitioner before. After being ushered into a freezing room and peeing in a cup for them to do an ovulation predictor test, we were left sitting there with me trying not to freak out from what I thought was probably coming.

And then in walks The Goddess. She was nice and friendly. She was open and joked a little and made us feel at ease. She was thorough. Instead of just reading our chart, she asked us questions about everything so she could see what we knew and took notes (imagine that). She said that she used to work in a civilian fertility clinic, so that excited me, and that she just started working with Dr. Shapiro. (We also got the feeling that she thinks he's a quack, too.)

Bits of conversations:

Goddess: How did you do on the Clomid last month?
Me: What do you mean?
Goddess: How many follicles did you have?
Me: I don't know. They didn't monitor me.
Goddess: :::crinkles brow::: Okay. :::pauses::: So did you try IUI last month?
Me: No, they didn't have any appointments available.

Goddess: What tests have they run on you?
Neal: Just the sperm analysis.
Goddess: Did they do that twice?
Neal: Yes, but only after we insisted.
Goddess: And what were the results?
Neal: Not good. Low everything.
Goddess: Did they refer you to a urologist to see what the cause is?
Neal: No.
Goddess: :::crinkles brow and writes note::: Okay. I'll pull your results and look at them and then probably refer you to a urologist. It could be caused by something that's treatable.

She did the ultrasound and Neal got to see my ovaries. The right one had two small follicles but basically nothing going on at all. The left one had like 5 follicles, but only one was mature at 21.9 mm. The others were too small - like 14, 11, 9 and 7 mm. She said that the ovulation predictor test showed that I was surging on my own so she wasn't going to give me a trigger shot - which I'm grateful for, I hear they hurt - and I have been having some light cramps today so I should be ovulating soon.

She then sent us to Mary, the secretary, to schedule an appointment for the IUI tomorrow, while she went and looked at Neal's sperm analysis results.

When she came back she said that Neal has what she refers to as the "triple strike" - low count, low motility and low viscosity. She had put in for a referral to a urologist and he can call tomorrow to set up that appointment.

I mentioned to her that because of my PCOS and Neal's "triple strike" we were wondering if IVF would be a better option for us than IUI. She said that anytime there's both male and female factor infertility involved, she definitely thinks that IVF w/ ICSI gives a better chance at getting pregnant and was surprised that no one had talked to us about that. She had us come back to her office to give us some paperwork on it and explain how it's done through the military. They don't do it there, but they refer you to Walter Reed Hospital, who then decides if they think you are a candidate or not and if they'll accept you into the program. Unfortunately, they're backed up right now and are filling candidates for the January round. Yeah... we lose the insurance in September, so that idea is out... unless we want to pay $15k out of pocket.

So right now, IUI is our only option. Luckily, the Metformin seems to have really regulated my cycles down to 29 days so if it doesn't work this round, we should be able to try in August and September, too.

Tomorrow we have to be at the Jones Institute at 11 a.m. for Neal to have a sperm wash done. They said that takes about two hours and he has to be at work like an hour away, so we're going to drive separately so he can leave. I'll have to transport the goods in my bra (to keep them at body temperature) to the hospital where they'll do the insemination. She said it'll only take like 10 minutes and then I can go home.

August 2 will be testing day. This two week wait is going to seem even longer than all of the other ones over the past year and a half.

I want a rum and coke.

2007-06-30T11:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this past week, especially today, has been very crappy, healthwise. I didn't sleep well last night so I woke up with a headache. All day, I've had on and off nausea and severe cramps - like, kind of scary cramps. My period isn't due for another week so it was freaking me out to the point that I was afraid that maybe I was having a miscarriage, so I took a pregnancy test. It was an electronic one and said "not pregnant" but when I went to throw away the stick, I noticed a very faint line. Now, this could mean one of four things:

1) I'm pregnant and it's just too soon for the hcg levels to be high enough to really register on a test.

2) It's a chemical pregnancy.

3) It's just an evap line/false positive.

4) I'm 8 dpo and am turning into insane Pee On a Stick woman stuck in the Two Week Wait and am just imagining what I'm seeing.

:::sigh:::

I hate this.

I want my life back. I want to not worry about every little ache and twinge. I want to be able to see a child and not burst into tears. I want to hear that a friend is pregnant (three in the past two days) and not be jealous. And for the love of God, I want a rum and coke.

I can't do this anymore.

2007-06-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, seriously. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I'm reaching my breaking point. Or maybe I have already reached it. Either way, this post is going to be long, emotional, angry and pathetic.

I finally sat down yesterday and did research on the things that I already kind of knew but wasn't prepared to fully understand. It wasn't really a good thing. Or maybe it was. Who the hell knows. Either way, it all ended with me bawling my eyes out and yelling at my husband.

:(

PCOS w/ Clomid and Metformin therapy: 22% chance of pregnancy.
Male Factor Infertility w/ IUI: 10% chance of pregnancy.
Smoking effects on sperm: Lowers count as well as motility. Impacts sucess rate of conception.
Chance of miscarriage due to PCOS: 45-50%

So what the hell is the point? I don't want to go through all of this just to it end up having a miscarriage.

Our chances are so low as it is, why am I putting myself through all of this? The Clomid sucks - I've been crampy and having hot flashes constantly. I'm hardly eating or drinking anything because I'm constantly nauseous. Even when I'm starving and want to eat something, after two bites I want to puke. I've had to force myself to eat just to take my Metformin. Although the weight loss is nice - albeit unhealthy - because I'm not eating, my Metformin is not dissolving like it should and I end up pooping out the tablets in my 2x daily diarreah.

I've said all along that I didn't want to do fertility treatments in the first place. If we can't have kids, I want to know why, accept it and move on. I only agreed to them because DH wanted to and it seemed like things could be easily fixed. But the more I read about both of our issues, the more disheartened I get. And God forbid that my doctor be able to speak to me about these things. All he did when he told me I had PCOS was hand me a printout from some medical journal about treatment. And he never really said a word about the fact that Neal has MFI. We found out all we know by asking his secretary to fax us the report.

You know, maybe, if I felt like my doctors were fighting for me a little bit and things were actually going smoothly in the treatment part of it all - I mean, if I could at least get an appointment when I need to! - it wouldn't be so hugely stressful. Not to mention the fact that we lose the insurance in 3 months.

And don't even get me started on Neal's smoking. For years he's said he was going to quit/was quitting but either was lying and hiding it from me or coming up with excuse after excuse. If he won't quit for his own health or for me of all people, one would think that he would quit if it could help us get pregnant.

I'm the one who's had to treat myself like I'm pregnant for the past year and a half. I'm the one who has been taking daily vitamins that entire time. I'm the one who's been doing research to figure out what's out there to help us. I'm the one who's had to go through painful procedures, take medicines that make me crazy and sick, monitor my temperature every day and track my ovulation so we know when to have sex. All he has to do is have sex! That's it!

He caught me crying yesterday morning and I finally broke down in front of him. All he could say was, "I want kids, but not as much as you do and I just doesn't want to deal with it right now." Oh, really? Well then why are we doing these fertility treatments then? If he isn't willing to do absolutely everything in his power (ie, eat better and quit smoking) to get pregnant and maybe, I don't know, help take some stress off of me by at least CLEANING HIS 5-MONTH OLD MESS IN THE OFFICE, then why should I put myself through constant nausea, cramping, dehydration, and diarreah?

I told him that I give up and that I don't want to do it anymore and that after we were both done mourning the fact that we are never going to have biological children, down the road when he's ready, we'll adopt, although God knows how hard that will be considering he hates paperwork and I can't get him to even pay his bills or clean the damn office. He looked kind of heartbroken that I want to give up, but come on! You can't sit there and say that you want kids but that you don't want to deal with it right now when we only have 3 months to make it happen! Hell, we probably don't truly have 3 months. I'll probably only have 2 cycles during that time and who knows if they'll even be able to get me in. And not to mention the only 10% chance of it actually working!

He asked if I was going to stop taking the Metformin and I told him no because I just ovulated and if by some strange miracle I'm pregnant, the Metformin reduces the risk of miscarriage a little bit, plus it helps with the rest of the PCOS symptoms. He asked me later that if he could get the smoking under control, if I would consider going through with the IUI. I told him I'd have to think about it.

And I smelled cigarette smoke on him this morning when he came home from work.

I'm not excited about getting pregnant anymore. I kind of dread it now because losing a baby would be more devastating than not getting pregnant at all. I'm not going to be a happy pregnant woman - I'm going to be a nervous wreck and terrified the entire time that something is going to go wrong.

I seriously don't think I could handle having a child die. When my brother died, it was shocking and horrible, but I made it through that. Then when my fiance was diagnosed with cancer and died a year later, that broke me. It took me about 5 years to truly start moving on from that. Then I had to make the decision to destroy the sperm we'd had frozen and I wrestled with that for a long time and mourned our children who would never be. I've had a lot of other deaths in my life - grandparents, uncles, cousins, friends - and I've gotten to the point that when someone dies, I shut down and just don't deal with it. If I were to get pregnant and have a miscarriage after trying so long - I just don't think I could come back from that - mentally and emotionally.

You know, I truly thought that with everything that I've already been through in my life, that maybe, just maybe, God would bless me with a less stressful adulthood.

Guess that was too much to hope for.

On our own

2007-06-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

So, not a big surprise, but Mary never called me back. I meant to call her on Friday but got involved in working and realized I needed to call her after they had already closed. Come Monday, I just wasn't in the mood to deal with her and didn't want to call just to be told what I already knew - that they couldn't get me in this month.

My military PCP, Dr. Moore, who had referred me to Dr. S's office back in December, was amazing. She had been through fertility treatments too and has been the only person I've encountered who I felt like I could actually talk to about all of this and who could help. (One would think that ones RE would be a great person to talk to, but not so much.) Dr. Moore had told me to come back and follow up with her to keep her updated with what was going on. I'd been putting it off because I know I'll just sit there and cry, but I finally decided to call to make an appointment and explain my exasperations, hoping maybe she could pull some strings or refer me to another RE since we're running out of time. I called on Monday only to be told that I can't go back to her because she only sees active duty military and we're now separated. Figures. I hate the military.

I bought some OPK and got a positive one this morning so I should ovulate by Saturday and Neal and I shall be BDing for the next couple of days.

Obviously nothing has changed with his MFI, so here's hoping the Metformin and Clomid are enough on my end.

no appointment yet

2007-06-14T16:43:00.000-07:00

I called Mary back the other day and she said that they have a waiting list that I'm on and that when the doctor got back this week they'd be looking at his schedule to fit me and the other two people on the list in to get the u/s done. She promised that she would get me in and she'd call me back as soon as she heard something. "I'm really good at my job and I promise that I won't forget about you!"

For some reason, I just don't believe her.

That was a week ago Wednesday.

I have to have the u/s done by Tuesday and she hasn't called me back yet so I'm calling her tomorrow.

I started Clomid on Sunday and haven't had any side effects besides a little bit of nausea the first couple of days. Nothing bad though.

Am I surprised? No.

2007-06-06T06:52:00.000-07:00

After waiting six weeks for my period to come, it finally came - on it's own even (well, with the help of the Metformin).

I called Mary, the doctor's receptionist, yesterday to make the appointment and get the ball rolling on the IUI and of course, they don't have any available appointments. For some reason she said she'd call me back today although I'm not sure why. I think she was busy and didn't really feel like talking to me at that moment.

So, when (if) she calls back today, I'm going to ask about being deferred to the network of providers so that I can go elsewhere to have this done. Yes, we'll probably have to pay more, but we're running out of time here. We only have Tricare through September and just found out yesterday that the insurance we're getting through Neal's new job doesn't cover fertility treatments. If we can't get this done this month, we'll only have two more chances - mid-July and end of August when my periods come again. It took me 5 months of trying to get in for the HSG... I was afraid this would be the same way and am not really surprised that it is. (Not to mention it's not a guarantee to even work the first time.)

If she hasn't called me back by 3 p.m., I'm calling her and pitching a fit.

Neal said if we can't get in and lose Tricare, we should go ahead and take the Clomid anyway because I already have it. Too bad that would only help the issue with me - not with him.

I'm just. :::sigh::: This is why I didn't want to go through with fertility treatments. I'm tired of waiting and hoping and worrying and stressing about it all. I'm seriously becoming a pessimist and I hate that. I feel like we're just wasting our time - I've felt like that since the moment we decided to start trying to get pregnant.

On some level, and I've been saying this for years, part of me just feels like I am not meant to get pregnant. So going through all of these treatments kills me because I feel like I'm just teasing myself with the possibility even though deep down I don't think it will happen.

Common sense says it should, but instinct says it won't.

Haven't I been through enough crap in my life already?

Maybe?

2007-06-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

I think my period is starting - which would explain why I was so incredibly cranky yesterday.

This is good for a couple of reasons: 1) It means I ovulated, which means the medicine I'm on is regulating my hormones; and 2) When I do actually know that I started my period, I can call to schedule the ultrasound so we can get the IUI rolling.

If this is my period coming, then the IUI should be done in about 2 weeks (if they have available appointments...) and this puts testing to see if I'm pregnant the week my family is here visiting. That would be nice to be able to share that with them. Not so nice if it's negative though. :(

Oh, and AB is putting Neal on midnight shift the week after next so he'll be able to not only go do his part of the appointment, but stay with me during the procedure and hang out with me the rest of the day. That's a relief.

A good explanation of PCOS

2007-05-15T19:01:00.001-07:00

The ovaries are two small organs, one on each side of a woman's uterus. A woman's ovaries have follicles, which are tiny sacs filled with liquid that hold the eggs. These sacs are also called cysts. Each month about 20 eggs start to mature, but usually only one becomes dominant. As the one egg grows, the follicle accumulates fluid in it. When that egg matures, the follicle breaks open to release the egg so it can travel through the fallopian tube for fertilization. When the single egg leaves the follicle, ovulation takes place.

In women with PCOS, the ovary doesn't make all of the hormones it needs for any of the eggs to fully mature. They may start to grow and accumulate fluid. But no one egg becomes large enough. Instead, some may remain as cysts. Since no egg matures or is released, ovulation does not occur and the hormone progesterone is not made. Without progesterone, a woman’s menstrual cycle is irregular or absent. Also, the cysts produce male hormones, which continue to prevent ovulation.

We're part of the 15%...

2007-05-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

... of couples who have both female and male factor infertility.

On top of Neal's low sperm count, the doctor said that all signs are pointing to me having Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

Basically, my body is producing too much testosterone and therefore not enough estrogen. He did an internal ultrasound today and I got to see my ovaries and you can see the cysts nice and clear: "This syndrome acquired this name because a common sign is multiple ovarian cysts. These form where egg follicles matured but were never released from the ovary because of abnormal hormone levels."

If you have PCOS, you may have problems with:
Acne. Check.
Weight gain and have trouble losing weight. Check.
Hair growth on the face, back, or chest. "Check." she says with disdain.
High blood sugar (hyperglycemia). Check.

PCOS also can cause menstrual and pregnancy problems, including:
No periods or irregular periods. Check.
Trouble getting pregnant. Check.
Repeat miscarriages. Please, no.
Gestational diabetes during pregnancy.

He put me on Metformin to regulate my insulin levels (and therefore my testosterone levels, I believe).

So now, we're waiting on my period to start. When that happens, I have to call Mary, his secretary, to schedule eveything else. On Day 5, I'll start Clomid and on Day 12 I'll go in for my ultrasound and then the following day (I belive) Neal will go in for the sperm wash and I'll go in for the insemination.

Goooood times.

A poem I found

2007-05-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

When do I stop?
When do I realize it's enough?
Why does it have to be me who has it so tough?
There are many out there who are evil and perverse.
Yet do You burden them with an infertility curse?
A 16 year old delivers a healthy baby boy
then throws him in the garbage like some old broken toy.
A drug addict has 3 beautiful little ones
and beats them black and blue for nothing they have done.
A worn-out woman with already more than she can bear
sighs dissapointedly when she sees two lines are there.
God give me one, just one to cherish all my days
And I promise that to You I'll give all glory, credit and praise.
Make it stop - this intense longing and fear.
Please give me a child that I can hold near!

By Stephanie Marottek
9/25/01

HSG looks good!

2007-05-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

Neal's surgery got cancelled so he was able to go with me to the HSG. Everything looks good. He got to sit in there with me and hold my hand during the somewhat painful procedure. It wasn't so bad until they actually stuck the thing in my cervix... felt like excruciating cramps... possibly worse than I've ever felt before. Luckily, it didn't last too long - maybe a minute and it was over.

Man! Uteruses (is that the right plural? Uterii? lol) are frikkin' small!! Like the size of an egg or small pear. Itty bitty things... nothing like the drawings you see of them.

Anyway, my tubes are open and the dye shot right through. Everything is shaped nicely and they didn't say anything about seeing any cysts or anything.

I go see Dr. S on Tuesday to discuss the next step. Unfortunately, Neal can't go with me because he starts his new job on Monday but that's okay.

So, this narrows our problems down to my not ovulating and him having a low sperm count.

Scheduled HSG finally!

2007-04-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

Neal had requested that Dr. S run another sperm analysis test on him (as most literature says one should do when diagnosed with low sperm count) and he got the test results the other day. Everything was about the same but there was a bit more information listed on this one. It said that 85% of the sperm were dead and only 7% of the surviving ones were moving in a forward progression. Lovely.

I called off sick on Thursday because my period started out of the blue even though I was still taking Provera. I called and talked to Dr. S's secretary and she said to stop taking it and call to schedule my HSG. Finally, I was able to get an appointment (May 7), but of course wouldn't you know that's the day Neal is scheduled to have surgery on his nose (yes, again - it's growing back crooked) and they didn't have any other openings. Luckily, Denise at work has a doctor's appointment that afternoon and agreed just to call off work sick that day to drive us around :) So, that morning, I'll drive Neal to Langley, drop him off and have my urine pregnancy test done then drive home. She'll meet me at our house, drive me to Portsmouth to have my procedure done then drive me back to Langley afterwards to pick up Neal, and then drive us both home. It should work out perfectly. Last time, he was ready to go home around 1 p.m. and this surgery isn't going to be as involved so he should be done sooner. He may actually be ready to go home before we're back, but that's cool. Make the boy lay still for a bit.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure the HSG results are immediate, so hopefully we can request an appointment that week to actually get the results and figure out what our next step is. If so, I'll probably be started Clomid the week of May 14. I'm assuming I'll be on it for 2 weeks, which would put my ovulation (and therefore the IUI - intrauterine insemination) around May 28 and testing to see if I'm pregnant June 11.

Did I mention that I had a dream the other day that my late fiance, Richard, showed me my ultrasound and told me I was pregnant with twins? Yeah.

Male factor/Provera/Clomid/IUI

2007-04-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a year ago this week that we started trying to get pregnant so it's fitting that we just found out that Neal has a low sperm count. We went to the doctor today to discuss the results.

I'm not going to get into the fact that the doctor is a tool right now, but basically this is where we stand:

A normal sperm count is 40 million. Neal's is 18.9 million. Of those 18.9 million, half of them are abnormal, having either a small head or no head at all, curled tails, etc. Out of the 9 million normal ones that could possibly do what they're meant to do, the other issue is that he has a low viscosity, meaning the semen doesn't liquify like it should and then therefore prevents (or at least doesn't help) the sperm get to my cervix.

So.

I just took my first dose of Provera, the drug the RE put me on to induce a period because I haven't had one in over 2 months. I'll be taking this medication for 12 days and then 3-7 days after I finish, my period will come and I can call to schedule the HSG. He said if they tell me that they don't have any openings again, to tell them that the doctor wants them to defer me to the network (basically refer me to an outside doctor) so that I can get the procedure done.
If my fallopian tubes are blocked, we'll figure out what to do about that then, depending on why.
If they are not blocked and everything looks good on my end, we're going to move forward with artificial insemination.

I'm a little hesitant about this. On one hand, if the only thing keeping us from getting pregnant is the inability of the sperm to get into my cervix, this should be an easy fix. However, from everything I've read, it usually takes a few tries for most people to get pregnant and they will put me on fertility drugs first (and I do believe the doctor mentioned Clomid), in order to stimulate the hormones in my brain to get an egg (or several) ready to release from my ovaries. I'm hesitant to do fertility drugs because I do have lots of multiples on both sides of my family so already have a slight chance of having twins anyway. I do not want to end up pregnant with sextuplets, put my body through that and/or have to choose to abort some of them for the others and/or my sake.

One good thing about this is that because we are in the military, we are only going to have to pay $110 for the AI. That's it. Usually this type of thing can cost thousands of dollars.

So, for now we've decided that we will try this once and if it doesn't work, Neal has finally agreed to start considering adoption. We don't want to spend the next year or two trying procedure after procedure with heartbreak after heartbreak doing fertility treatments.

Another friend, another pregnancy

2007-04-06T11:01:00.000-07:00

Me: "Renee and Mark, the couple we hung out with on our honeymoon in Jamaica, are pregnant."

Neal: ...

Me: "She just e-mailed me."

Neal (pouting): "Uh. That's not fair. Why can't we get pregnant? We've been married the same amount of time."

Finally. He's starting to get how I feel.

I'm now on week 8 of my cycle. No symptoms of an impending period.

I'm sick of people's advice, too.

"Do you have a dog? Get a dog! My daughter got pregnant after they got a dog and stopped focusing on trying." We haven't been "trying" since November. Not to mention the fact that hand-raising a 2-week old kitten is quite similar to having a puppy. She had to eat every three hours, we had to help her pee and poop, train her to use the litterbox, etc.

"Now that Neal knows he's getting out, you'll get pregnant." Yes, because me not having a period for 2 months was completely hinging on that decision.

"It'll happen when it's meant to happen." Yes, but what if it's not meant to happen? What if it's not happening because there is a medical issue?

Kick me while I'm down, why don't cha?

2007-03-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

I went down to the Women's Health Clinic to request a pregnancy test. I'm on week 7 of my cycle now, not having had my period since February 10. I figured I was there, so I might as well go ahead and have one done. You can call for the results 2 hours later so after taking Neal home, I headed to work and got there at 10:30. I worked for an hour, called Neal, who then called me back 3-way on my cell phone, and went outside while he dialed the clinic.

Negative.

I wasn't really surprised because I'm sick of getting my hopes up so I haven't really been thinking about it or truly even expecting it to ever happen.

I went back to work and at 12:30 p.m. a meeting was called letting us all know that as a thank you for hitting a major milestone (we physically paid out/gave away over $1 million this month!) they were letting us go home at 1 p.m. Score! Yet not score, because we're swamped and trying to get caught up before Monday because it's the first of the month (when I will shoot myself in the head). So, I'm wrapping projects up as fast as I can and right as I'm getting ready to clock out, my phone rings. I wasn't going to answer it but the caller ID said it was Langley Air Force Base. I thought "hmm, that's strange. The only people at Langley who have my work number is the Women's Health Clinic." So I answered it and the lady is all chirpy, telling me she's calling to give me my pregnancy test results. Now I'm freaking out, thinking that there must have been a mistake. Why else would they call me back unless the results were different from what they had already told me? I told her that I'd already called and gotten the results and she says "Oh, so they told you?" again, in an all chirpy, positive voice. My heart is starting to beat really fast and I feel myself start to get all flushed when she says "Okay, well it's negative. If you don't start your period in a week or two, come back in for another test."

Bastards. I about started bawling right there. :( What the hell?

Acceptance?

2007-03-10T10:58:00.000-08:00

Neal's starting to finally accept the fact that one or both of us may very well have a fertility issue. Thank God because I'm tired of stressing over this alone. We started trying to get pregnant a year ago (this month) but we technically haven't been trying (just not doing anything to prevent it) for five months now. The realization that I'd had unprotected sex before and never got pregnant came to me awhile ago, but he admitted to me last night that he and an old girlfriend weren't always careful and she never got pregnant either. (She now has a child.) I can't decide if it would be better if both of us were infertile or just one of us. I mean, if just one of us is, then we'd carry the guilt alone about not being able to give the other one a child, but if we both are, it'd be neither one of our "faults." (I say that in quotation marks because I know it's no one's fault, but there's still a guilt that comes with it.) Can't I just adopt a friggin' baby already!? Hell, I've even been reading up on foster care (specifically foster-adopt). I was reading this article the other day about a family that does foster care and at the end of it, one line made me start crying:

Neither of them can imagine ever having an empty nest. "Actually, we have room for another child."

That kills me because I hate how quiet this house can be sometimes. Hell, I'm half relieved that Angela occupies the guest room now because in my mind that was the nursery and having it filled with baby things but no baby was killing me. We moved all of the baby stuff up to the attic - that was hard too.

Talk about a disappointment. I thought just this maternal desire to have children that I've been living with ALL OF MY LIFE was hard enough, but trying to get pregnant and nothing happening is definitey even harder. It's like a kick in the stomach (and heart).

I think part of Neal's realization that something was going on also has to do with the fact that he's discovered wrinkles on his face that didn't use to be there. I've been complaining about my wrinkles and loss of elasticity to my skin for a few months now (I swear, I feel my body changing) and started using eye creams (sigh). I know we're not old, but we're not teenagers anymore either and gravity and time is having an effect on our bodies.

No HSG again...

2007-02-17T10:58:00.000-08:00

I can't get the HSG procedure done this month because they don't have any openings. >: I'm seriously thinking it's just not going to happen. :::is annoyed::: Next week I'm going to call to get an appointment for Neal and I to at least get the test results of his sperm analysis and my Day 3 FSH blood test.

Stupid Aunt Flo.

2007-02-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

I started my period today and am major pain. Took it 6 weeks to come, which seems to be the standard, although last time it was only 4 weeks. I called and left a message about scheduling my appointment for the hysterosalpingogram (HSG) at the fertilty specialist. They couldn't get me in last time so hopefully they can get me in this time because I don't want to have to wait another 6 weeks especially because who knows if we'll even be here then. On Monday, I'll have to get up early and go to Langley to get the Day 3 FSH blood tests done prior to work.

Advice

2007-01-28T10:54:00.000-08:00

On an Oprah episode I watched today

Jenna: Every day as often as they think about their own children is as often as I think about the ones I should have. Everywhere I look are reminders of the choices I made with this family ideal in mind. I drive an SUV. I'm not loading kids into as I planned. The house that we bought with the number of bedrooms is because it's supposed to have children in it. The people around me are having children and living their lives and I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm in a place where I can't move on until I get some closure to this.

Oprah: I hear this all the time, and I'm not saying it's going to happen to you, but people who want to, want to, want to have children, can't have children, and then they go to adopt children and then they get pregnant.

Jenna: That is probably the hardest statement to hear. That's why there's shame in telling people (about our infertility). Part of it is becuase I don't want to hear what they think I should do. I don't want to hear "go on a vacation" or "it'll just happen." It's not going to happen. I physically can't carry a child. There's no miracle that suddeny going to make that change.
It's a daily reminder that I cannot perform the very function that is a woman. It is a bruise on the soul. Always tender, painful and much deeper than the discoloration of disappointment.

Oprah: What has this period in life taught you?

Jenna: To be more epathetic. To be more patient. To not jump on people with a list of advice I can give them when they tell me their problems. Because I know for me when I do share with people I get that "Well, have you tried this?" or "Have you tried that?" and it's not as easy as just telling someone what they ought to do. When people say those things to me, it's like they're telling me to let go of a lifetime dream.

A quote from an episode of Adoption Stories"I got tested and so did he. I took the pills and I took the shots, for the whole year and nothing happened. That was the worst year that I could ever imagine."

On the RESOLVE website that I finally checked out today

Infertility Myths and Facts

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not a happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Infertility Etiquette By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive.

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

No HSG this month

2006-12-30T10:51:00.000-08:00

Okay, so apparently, I won't be doing the HSG until next month because I called the doctor yesterday to clarify what they consider the first day of your period because Thursday I passed a small blood clot and had a little bit of blood but then Friday there was practically nothing. Mary, the lady I needed to talk, to was out and the woman who answered the phone was a bit clueless. She said she wasn't sure and to call back to speak with Mary. I said okay, what about the fact that if I am starting my period, my day three blood tests need to be done on Sunday, so I'd have to wait until Monday, but that's a holiday so I'd have to wait until Tuesday, but now that's a holiday too, so I'd have to wait until Wednesday. She told me just to call back on Wednesday, which confused the heck out of me, but apparently that's when Mary will be back.

I definitely started my period this morning, which still screws me up because day three will fall on Monday. I may be able to call Langley and see if the lab at the hospital will be open on Tuesday, but it's government so they'll probably be closed. Grrr.

Sigh. On top of bronchitis and still feeling weak, now I'm bleeding and having really bad cramps and feeling even more weak. I want to go back to bed, but Siren has an appointment today - more shots, check up, etc. She's not going to be a happy camper. Hopefully, I can get in and out of there pretty quickly and come back home and collapse.

Edit: Langley is closed through Tuesday. As is the doctor's office and the radiology department. I left a message at PN letting the, know I'd started my period today. I'm pretty sure the HSG and FSH (day 3 blood test) can be done at separate times, so hopefully I can go ahead and do the HSG this month and the FSH next month.

Neal took Siren to the vet for me this morning and after too much advil, a heating pad and two hours or excrutiating pain, and a nap, I feel better. I can even breathe better today. Maybe I'm getting over the bronichitis! woot.

dang it.

2006-12-28T10:50:00.000-08:00

I am sick as a dog and have bronchitis.

Okay.

Well, my period is starting and it's like a week and a half early. I'm not prepared for this on many levels.

One - this means I was ovulating when I thought I was and I still didn't get pregnant. Dang it.

Two - this means tomorrow I need to call to make my appointment for the HSG, on day 3 (which would be Sunday) I'm supposed to get blood test but will have to wait until Monday because I can't do it on the weekend because they're closed, but that's the first so crap, things will be closed then, too. On top of all of that, this means I could be having the procedure as early as Thursday which isn't cool because:

a) It's the busiest time of the month at work.b) I'm supposed to give at least 10 days notice for when I need off. I could call off sick, but I think I just used all of my sick time. I was going to talk to the powers that be and get a pre-approval for this since I can't really know ahead of time when it will be scheduled but figured it wouldn't be until at least Jan. 10 and I haven't had a chance to talk to them yet because I haven't been back to work since I found all of this out.c) I'll have to take more time off within a very short period - meaning on top of these past two days being sick, two days before that for Christmas and Monday off for New Years. I'm sooooooo behind at work. :( And Denise said she's been swamped. Plus, Ryan's in Hawaii so Sandra's incompetant self is holding down the app side of the silo. That's probably a mess and God knows Rita, the receptionist, is smart enough to not transfer calls to sandra so they'll be coming to me.

GRRRRR!

Okay. One thing at a time.

Tomorrow, I will call the doctor and let them know my period came early and see if they can schedule the procedure for later rather than sooner. It has to be done between days 4-12 so if I can get day 12, that'll give me some time to try to get things figured out at work and since that falls on a Tuesday, I'll still be able to go get the urine test done that Monday. (It has to be done the day before.) Also, they can tell me what to do about not being able to get the blood work done on day 3 since that falls on a Sunday. (The alternate for that scenario is usually to get it done on the 4th day, but *that* falls on a holiday when things are closed.)

Maybe I can bring some of my work home this weekend. It'll make working the aging report a little harder because I kind of need the actual patient charts, but I might be able to make due.
Hey! Let's throw more stress my way! Just watch, the PEB results on Neal's case will come back earlier than we think - right in the midst of all of this.

:::takes deep breath::: :::coughs::: :::uses inhaler::: :::coughs again:::

Son of a booger.

First appointment with RE

2006-12-26T10:50:00.000-08:00

We went to the hospital this morning to speak with an infertility doctor, Dr. S. He did a pap smear on me and something else (he never actually said...) and he said I can stop tracking my BBT (Thank God!) because he said it's only good in hindsight and the only way to truly predict that you've ovulated is if you get pregnant. Neal needs to call tomorrow to get an appointment to "make a deposit" for a sperm count (yee haw) and I have to call to make an appointment to have an Hysterosalpingogram (the dye thing) done. I can't call to make that appointment until the day my period starts and the test won't be done until day 4-12 of my cycle. On day 3, I have to go to Langley and get some more blood drawn as well as pick up a sterile cup to get my first urine of the day on the day before the HSG is done. Got that? Slightly confusing.